Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection
I fell down at work on Tuesday.
Before you start taking this literally, this introspection is a giant metaphor for how my week at work went starting on Tuesday. Yes, in a sense, it is a continuation, or perhaps a direct effect, ofthe anxieties and actions I took as detailed in my previous week's introspection. However, I don't want to get too concrete. As much as I will always be somewhat of a muckraker and never deter my own candor regarding the structure of education or the mentality of administration - this is not the place or the time for it. This is about me, my flaws, my struggles, and my search for my strengths. Therefore, instead of being specific or naming names, I'm simply going to be figurative.
So, bearing that in mind - I fell down at work on Tuesday.
A lot of things happen when you fall. A lot of reasons could be behind why you fell. In this case, I tripped. I was already stumbling, feverish and unyielding, and a lot of people were trying to get in my way and brace me before I pitched forward and faceplanted. And on Friday, without knowing, I had bowled someone over in an attempt to keep upright as I resumed my teaching. That victim got scraped, and then, frightened, she fled. And upon hearing that I had hurt someone in my efforts to stay standing, I finally collapsed.
I felt a lot of pain, lying on my side after my descent. If I told you I was a big girl and never cried when I fell, I'd be lying. There were tears. There was a twisted ankle and a pleading for help. I refused to come up with excuses for why I fell - I had just fallen. Nothing else mattered. And I grew scared and mortified that I'd never be able to stand up again, or that no one would be willing to offer me a hand.
In some of my previous work experiences, I have felt the callous coldness of bystanders. Some have shaken their heads and told me to figure out how to stand up again all by myself. Never mind the fact that I could have a sprained calf, or a cracked tibia, or a shattered pelvic bone, or just agony coursing through every angle of my body. Some people I knew would kick me while I was down, as if to challenge me or egg me on. I had been warned not to fall, and now that I was there, what sense would it make to give me a second chance if I hadn't stopped myself from tripping? In the end, with the culmination of those events, I began to sense that sort of indifference or disappointment ebbing from a few who stood over me. And for a while, I thought I was doomed.
Even when everyone is susceptible to falling, it is amazing how unforgiving we are of people who make mistakes, big or small, rarely or consistently. Especially mistakes that unintentionally hurt others who do not deserve to be hurt. Others who will always remember that you pushed them over in your staggering no matter whether or not you didn't mean to knock them to the pavement. The methods to make amends regardless of intent aren't exactly well-received by a lot of people, especially in a particular business or in a particular mindset. I had been punished for making mistakes before, especially frequent ones. I had been taught that repeating a mistake was weakness, not growth, and that once you finally understand or get the rudimentary benchmarks of something you work on, you should never take two steps back any time you're walking forward.
Being a teacher is an entirely different thing altogether. And as I kept hoping for someone to understand that I needed to be lifted from the ground, a hand reached out to me.
I had people who supported me. People who cared about pulling me to my feet, bandaging me up, giving me a crutch, and assisting me in my recovery so I could fully walk again. They would not take it easy on me in terms of my recuperation, but they did know that I could not walk on my own without fear of crashing down again. Even now, after grabbing that hand and being pulled back to my feet, I'm still shaky. I still wonder if the people who now aid me after my fall will still stay at my side if I trip and keel over again. Because again, I have been taught to expect that the world is very unforgiving of those who fall.
I was told to rest, but I grabbed a crutch and hobbled back into my workplace. I got stronger and took in the feedback for how I could remain on my two feet without plummeting back to the ground. It's not often that I find myself working in a field that promotes growth, rather than discouraging those who struggle with finding footing from ever walking a path on which they obviously wish to travel, experiencing the scenery as they hike. I thank those who want to see me succeed rather than fail. I am so grateful for those who told me that should someone kick me while I was on the ground, they'd help me up again and take me somewhere where there'd be more cushioning for my fall. And in the end, I still have eleven girls peering up at me for guidance, knowing that they have as much to teach me as I have to teach them, so we can all hold each other up and keep ourselves balanced.
Big fat falling metaphor for the summary of my week over. And scene.
Writer's Quotation of the Night:
Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.
- Gloria Steinem
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
Before you start taking this literally, this introspection is a giant metaphor for how my week at work went starting on Tuesday. Yes, in a sense, it is a continuation, or perhaps a direct effect, ofthe anxieties and actions I took as detailed in my previous week's introspection. However, I don't want to get too concrete. As much as I will always be somewhat of a muckraker and never deter my own candor regarding the structure of education or the mentality of administration - this is not the place or the time for it. This is about me, my flaws, my struggles, and my search for my strengths. Therefore, instead of being specific or naming names, I'm simply going to be figurative.
So, bearing that in mind - I fell down at work on Tuesday.
A lot of things happen when you fall. A lot of reasons could be behind why you fell. In this case, I tripped. I was already stumbling, feverish and unyielding, and a lot of people were trying to get in my way and brace me before I pitched forward and faceplanted. And on Friday, without knowing, I had bowled someone over in an attempt to keep upright as I resumed my teaching. That victim got scraped, and then, frightened, she fled. And upon hearing that I had hurt someone in my efforts to stay standing, I finally collapsed.
I felt a lot of pain, lying on my side after my descent. If I told you I was a big girl and never cried when I fell, I'd be lying. There were tears. There was a twisted ankle and a pleading for help. I refused to come up with excuses for why I fell - I had just fallen. Nothing else mattered. And I grew scared and mortified that I'd never be able to stand up again, or that no one would be willing to offer me a hand.
In some of my previous work experiences, I have felt the callous coldness of bystanders. Some have shaken their heads and told me to figure out how to stand up again all by myself. Never mind the fact that I could have a sprained calf, or a cracked tibia, or a shattered pelvic bone, or just agony coursing through every angle of my body. Some people I knew would kick me while I was down, as if to challenge me or egg me on. I had been warned not to fall, and now that I was there, what sense would it make to give me a second chance if I hadn't stopped myself from tripping? In the end, with the culmination of those events, I began to sense that sort of indifference or disappointment ebbing from a few who stood over me. And for a while, I thought I was doomed.
Even when everyone is susceptible to falling, it is amazing how unforgiving we are of people who make mistakes, big or small, rarely or consistently. Especially mistakes that unintentionally hurt others who do not deserve to be hurt. Others who will always remember that you pushed them over in your staggering no matter whether or not you didn't mean to knock them to the pavement. The methods to make amends regardless of intent aren't exactly well-received by a lot of people, especially in a particular business or in a particular mindset. I had been punished for making mistakes before, especially frequent ones. I had been taught that repeating a mistake was weakness, not growth, and that once you finally understand or get the rudimentary benchmarks of something you work on, you should never take two steps back any time you're walking forward.
Being a teacher is an entirely different thing altogether. And as I kept hoping for someone to understand that I needed to be lifted from the ground, a hand reached out to me.
I had people who supported me. People who cared about pulling me to my feet, bandaging me up, giving me a crutch, and assisting me in my recovery so I could fully walk again. They would not take it easy on me in terms of my recuperation, but they did know that I could not walk on my own without fear of crashing down again. Even now, after grabbing that hand and being pulled back to my feet, I'm still shaky. I still wonder if the people who now aid me after my fall will still stay at my side if I trip and keel over again. Because again, I have been taught to expect that the world is very unforgiving of those who fall.
I was told to rest, but I grabbed a crutch and hobbled back into my workplace. I got stronger and took in the feedback for how I could remain on my two feet without plummeting back to the ground. It's not often that I find myself working in a field that promotes growth, rather than discouraging those who struggle with finding footing from ever walking a path on which they obviously wish to travel, experiencing the scenery as they hike. I thank those who want to see me succeed rather than fail. I am so grateful for those who told me that should someone kick me while I was on the ground, they'd help me up again and take me somewhere where there'd be more cushioning for my fall. And in the end, I still have eleven girls peering up at me for guidance, knowing that they have as much to teach me as I have to teach them, so we can all hold each other up and keep ourselves balanced.
Big fat falling metaphor for the summary of my week over. And scene.
Writer's Quotation of the Night:
Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.
- Gloria Steinem
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
Comments
Post a Comment