Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection
It's been a week.
I wish I could say it's been a great week. It wasn't. It wasn't even a good week. Yes, there were good moments, but there were also bad moments. Really, really bad ones. One of them including the loss of my family's extraordinary cat due to a really bad and sudden illness.
I did have a decent Fourth of July. I had some fun on other days. I even got offered a job in Southern Marin, which is great, and it pays well, so if I take it, the main concern is going to be where and how I live. Including whether my sister gets the car or I do.
But I feel absolutely "meh" about everything.
That's right: The dreaded twenty-something apathy.
Someone once told my sister that when it comes to your passions, the high points (as in the moments of enlightenment, euphoria, and total happiness in your life) only occur about five percent of the time. Every other experience is either lousy or just plain mediocre - and it's your job to make the most out of so-so situations. The thing is, I get that reality - I just don't like it. Yes, lately, I still laugh, and I still cry, sometimes over silly things. But I feel this emotional exhaustion lately. One I can't exactly explain and haven't really explained to anyone. Maybe I haven't out of fear that people won't understand or will just tell me to get over it. I'm not sure.
I'd like to say that my so far week-long bout of ennui and apathy toward my life in general - even with my family and loved ones - is simply a response to my current living situation. That I just need to break free and be independent and start making a life for myself, and because I don't have the opportunity to do so yet, it's getting to me. It's a strong theory, so I'll give it attention, but I still hate it. I hate writing poems and fiction that feel soulless. I hate not being a passionate girlfriend and just being blah about everything. I hate getting myself frustrated and worked up by doomsday stories on the news (massive amounts of dead bees due to man's pesticide abuse are the latest installment - damn it, humans!) just to get myself to feel something. I hate being in this mood that can present itself as attitude, which is then directed toward my conversations and interpersonal exchanges, which is so unbelievably unfair to anyone I'm around. It makes me feel like a bad person. I know it shouldn't, but it does.
In any case, I'm going to wrap this up and sleep. I want to see this summer pick up. If I do take the offered job (and if my references actually go through), my work won't start until August. So that's a lot of time to finish up my current work, write, and get my brain energized. I want to feel like myself again. I just don't know when that's going to happen.
So, yeah. No Writer's Quotation tonight. But please, for my sake, have a great night and a great weekend.
I wish I could say it's been a great week. It wasn't. It wasn't even a good week. Yes, there were good moments, but there were also bad moments. Really, really bad ones. One of them including the loss of my family's extraordinary cat due to a really bad and sudden illness.
I did have a decent Fourth of July. I had some fun on other days. I even got offered a job in Southern Marin, which is great, and it pays well, so if I take it, the main concern is going to be where and how I live. Including whether my sister gets the car or I do.
But I feel absolutely "meh" about everything.
That's right: The dreaded twenty-something apathy.
Someone once told my sister that when it comes to your passions, the high points (as in the moments of enlightenment, euphoria, and total happiness in your life) only occur about five percent of the time. Every other experience is either lousy or just plain mediocre - and it's your job to make the most out of so-so situations. The thing is, I get that reality - I just don't like it. Yes, lately, I still laugh, and I still cry, sometimes over silly things. But I feel this emotional exhaustion lately. One I can't exactly explain and haven't really explained to anyone. Maybe I haven't out of fear that people won't understand or will just tell me to get over it. I'm not sure.
I'd like to say that my so far week-long bout of ennui and apathy toward my life in general - even with my family and loved ones - is simply a response to my current living situation. That I just need to break free and be independent and start making a life for myself, and because I don't have the opportunity to do so yet, it's getting to me. It's a strong theory, so I'll give it attention, but I still hate it. I hate writing poems and fiction that feel soulless. I hate not being a passionate girlfriend and just being blah about everything. I hate getting myself frustrated and worked up by doomsday stories on the news (massive amounts of dead bees due to man's pesticide abuse are the latest installment - damn it, humans!) just to get myself to feel something. I hate being in this mood that can present itself as attitude, which is then directed toward my conversations and interpersonal exchanges, which is so unbelievably unfair to anyone I'm around. It makes me feel like a bad person. I know it shouldn't, but it does.
In any case, I'm going to wrap this up and sleep. I want to see this summer pick up. If I do take the offered job (and if my references actually go through), my work won't start until August. So that's a lot of time to finish up my current work, write, and get my brain energized. I want to feel like myself again. I just don't know when that's going to happen.
So, yeah. No Writer's Quotation tonight. But please, for my sake, have a great night and a great weekend.
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