My Cardboard Balcony

by Belinda Roddie The magic word is "pinecone." Once you say it, the door opens, and you are confronted by two guards. If either one of them challenges you on the fact that "pine cone" is actually two words, mace them and then use the taser while they're blinded. You will find the taser under the blue rock in front of the drawbridge to the castle. Do not look under the red rock because there is no taser there. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the red rock merely hosts a colony of angry fire ants. The green rock opens a portal to the diamond queen's dimension and should not be touched. There is no purple rock. So don't even try. Once you have passed the guards, you are free to climb the stairwell to the prince's bedroom. The prince is genderfluid - they go by they/them pronouns. The diamond queen is not fond of progressive gender rights and consequently has secluded herself in her own dimension. Under the green rock. Which you were not supposed

There was purple dye in her hair, spikes on her jacket, and lots and lots of patches representing different metal bands on her jeans. She stood in line at the coffee shop and examined her fingernails, which were painted very, very black. I hadn't seen a look like this since 2004, when I was in high school. I guess we could call it a classic aesthetic now, and I'll admit, she pulled it off well. Really well.