My Cardboard Balcony

by Belinda Roddie Sam thought today was going to be easy. Sam was wrong. In fact, Sam wound up getting fired from her shitty nine-to-five office job because her boss, Giles, had a stick jammed so far up his ass that whenever he talked, he spat out splinters. Also because Sam couldn't type up a proper credit card fee form even if held at gunpoint, but still. Spitting out splinters, man. So Sam packed up a single cardboard box of office supplies, like in the movies, and got into her old Subaru and sat in 4 PM traffic all the way back to her condo, where her wife sat sifting through bills and their pet cat Oscar left the litter box smelling worse than the dumpster just below their bedroom window. Sam's wife always cared about money. Now Sam was going to get what for, given that she had fucked up a job that at least brought enough money for rent and groceries. Sam thought her wife would be reassuring and comforting. Sam was very wrong. Nina was furious, and she screamed a

They settled on a traditional wedding, despite being a non-traditional couple.They roped in a clueless priest who stared from the altar as the bride sashayed down the aisle, her stout father struggling to catch up with her. She wore a dress that appeared to be made of spider webs, and her husband to be, who was swathed in crimson red and donning a cape, was beaming as his vampiresque best man stood beside him and the church bells chimed outside.