My Cardboard Balcony

by Belinda Roddie With enough motivation, a human being can consume an airplane. Of course, there are several factors to consider: 1. Is the plane made mostly of aluminum, or is it crafted from titanium or steel? The modern Boeing 747 is pretty much aluminum, so we certainly see that as being more common; steel's a bit too heavy, both for a plane and on a human stomach. Considering how many cans goats can chow down on, I could see someone making a pretty big dent on the machine. 2. How big is the plane? Some planes can weigh at least 175,000 pounds. This isn't a Mega Macho Ultra Burrito eating contest at your local taqueria. You're gonna need some assistance completing that entree. But if you're going for a two-seater, maybe a Cessna, it might be more manageable. But give yourself a day or two. Or seventeen. 3. Are there passengers already seated on the plane? What about flight attendants? Is the pilot onboard? Fleshy bodies ought not to get in the way of mastic

He was acting so strangely that I had to clamp my hand over my mouth to muffle the laughter. I wasn't sure if he was drunk, or high, or sleep deprived, or all of the above. All I knew was that he was straddling the lamppost, gurgling and making other odd noises from the back of his throat. It wasn't long until the sirens flashed on in reds and blues, and he wailed along with the moans of the police cars.