My Cardboard Balcony

by Belinda Roddie "Why are you talking to that bear?" "Who?" "That bear. That gorgeous hunk of man. Why are you talking to him?" "You mean...you mean the guy who just checked my vitals?" "Yeah." "...He's my nurse. His name's Greg." "..." "He works here." "Oh." "..." "...He's hot." "Were you jealous for a second there?" "No." "You were jealous." " No." "You are so adorable, John!" "Shut up!" "Greg is pretty cute." " See?!" "Not my type, though." "..." "...What?" "Well, what's that supposed to mean?" "John." "You saying I'm not your type?" "John, just because you're both bears..." "You saying I'm not cute?!" " John. You're gorgeous. It's his per...

by Belinda Roddie "I brought you your favorite pie." "..." "Aaron?" "Yeah." "It's right there. On the table. Your favorite pie." "..." "Strawberry rhubarb. That's your favorite. Right, honey?" "..." "...God damn it, Aaron." "What." "Why did you do it?" "John." "Why? Out of all the stupid arguments we've had..." "Don't start." "You decide to get uppitiy about Valentine's Day chocolate..." "John, please stop." "Then you go to Rick's and get fucking shitfaced. Like, I may drink a lot, but I'm not an alkie." "Debatable." "Shut up, Aaron. Just. Please. Shut up." "..." "..." "..." "..." "...I shut up." " Aaron." "Sorry." "...A bus, dude." ...

by Belinda Roddie "I prefer chocolate bonbons." "...What." "I. Prefer. Chocolate bonbons." "...Are you kidding me?" "No?" "Hon, you have never told me you prefer 'bonbons' before." "Well...I do." "But I've gotten you bordeauxs for ages." "I know." "And buttercreams." "I know." "And butterscotch schnapps, and chocolate-covered biscuits. And patties. Peanut butter patties." "Yeah." "Your favorite." "..." "You told me it was your favorite, John." "..." "..." "..." "..." "...I may have been drunk when you said that." " What." "I'm sorry. I may have been drunk." "Are you fucking shitting me." "I'm sorry! I may have been drunk!" "Is that the way it is, dude? Me second guessing everythin...

by Belinda Roddie "And if you're extra good, the Christmas kitty will leave a special present under your pillow." "What? John! No!" "What?" "Do not weaponize our Zelda like that!" "What do you mean?" "You know exactly what I mean, sweetie pie." "..." "..." "..." "..." "...I have no idea what you're talking about." "You are not a good actor, John!" "You don't even know what the special present is!" "Oh, I have two guesses." "Okay. Name them." "One: A dead mouse." "Gasp! Aaron!" "What?!" "Zelda would never kill a mouse! She's too nice!" "Oh, my God, John, she's a cat!" "She's a very special cat." "Ugh. Fine. Number two: One of her fresh turds." "Ew. Aaron! No!" "No?" "No!...

by Belinda Roddie "Oh, shit, man, doesn't that hurt?" "I'm fine." "C'mon, babe, lemme check it." "I'm  fine." "Dude." " What?!" "Let me look at it." "Ugh. Fine." "..." "...What?" "You look really pale, John." "Yeah, well, I don't like blood. You know that." "I get it." "No, you don't." "I do! Remember when I told you about that compound fracture I got when I was fifteen?" "...Right. When you were snowboarding?" "Yeah. Red snow everywhere. I fainted. Luckily, my dad got me back to the lodge before hypothermia kicked my ass." "...Least it makes sense." "What makes sense?" "A snowboarding accident." "As opposed to...?" "As opposed to me breaking a nail like a fucking pussy?" "Oh, John." ...

by Belinda Roddie "What the hell is on your head?" "Dude." " John." "It's a viking helmet." " JOHN." "Have you never seen a viking helmet before?" "Why are you wearing a viking helmet?" "Well, I mean...it's not really a viking helmet." "...What." "I mean, sure, vikings wore helmets or maybe went bare-headed, but there's no reason to believe they had horns on their helmets." "..." "In fact, Gustav Malmström was an artist who created the horned helmet in the first place, and then Wagner - " "Stop saying words  right now!" "What? It's all correct!" "I don't care!" "I think the vikings wore a rounded iron cap, actually..." "I. Don't. Care." "Well, you should! 'Cause history is awesome." "John, why are you wearing a 'viking' helmet?...

by Belinda Roddie "Get your creepy baby doll away from me." "His name is Jerry." "No." "He wants to love you." " No." "Why won't you let him love you?" "No, no, no, no, no!" "You are so weird!" " I'm weird?! I'M WEIRD?! You're the one with a toy that looks like it can murder me in my sleep, in our apartment! Sure! I'm weird!" "Jerry was a gift!" "Your parents must have hated you, then." "My aunt gave him to me!" "Okay, she hates you, then!" "She's dead now!" "...Your Aunt Liza?" "Yes!" "We just saw her yesterday for her seventy-first birthday. Fuck off with that nonsense." "Aarooooon." "It's a creepy doll, and it's gross, and I don't like it." "Well, he made me feel better when I was a kid." "It's missin...

by Belinda Roddie "So you're saying it's dangerous and thrilling? Let's go!" "No, John." "But I want to!" "No." "It's dangerous and thrilling!" "John, we are not driving down to Florida to go bungee jumping and gator wrestling." "No, Aaron. Not wrestling. Wrasslin'." "...What." "Wrasslin'! That's how you're supposed to say it. Otherwise, they get mad." "...Who gets mad?" "Florida people. Duh." "...John, you honestly are not serious about this." "Dude, I have always wanted to go bungee jumping." "And I'm terrified of heights." " And I've always liked trying new things! I mean, c'mon! Gator wrasslin'?" "Please stop saying it like that." "Besides, it's been ages since we've gone on vacation. I know we have savings. I know we both have vac...

by Belinda Roddie "Dude, I think this pear juice has gone rancid." "What?" "You know. The pear juice. The bottle of pear juice I got earlier." "...What?" "Hon. Pear juice. Juice made from a pear. The juice that comes from a pear. The juice of a pear. I'm speaking like Kronk right now. Fucking pear juice." "...Pear...juice...?" "...Yeah, man. Pear juice." "That's...that's a thing?" "Hmm. Okay, let's see. A pear is a fruit, and you can use fruit to make juice. So, yes, Aaron, I'd say that pear juice is a motherfucking thing." "..." "..." "That's...weird." "How is it weird?" "John, I have never drunk pear juice in my life. Like, in my life." "...Really?" "Really. And I didn't even know we had any in the fridge. Obviously, I'm not paying close enough attention to shit."...

by Belinda Roddie "I have a Corgi friend!" "What?" "I have a Corgi friend!" "...What?" " I HAVE A CORGI FRIEND, GOD DAMN IT. WHAT ARE YOU NOT UNDERSTANDING?!" "Hold on, stop. Slow down. Breathe. What Corgi friend?" "Okay. Have you ever been to the pet store?" "Yeah?" "The one where we got Zelda?" " Yeah? " "And they have all those other cats, and dogs come in to get washed and groomed, and they have adoption fairs every Saturday for - " " I have established that I've been there, John. Get to the point." "Well, I went there to get more wet food for Zelda, and there was this Corgi. Named Wesley." "Oh, yeah, I've seen him before. He's one of the neighbor's dogs." "He's so cuuuuuuuuuuuuute!" "He's a Cardigan Welsh Corgi, right? The kind with the longer tails. Very handsome." ...

by Belinda Roddie "Pickles." "...What?" " Pickles." "...Okay." "I want pickles, dude!" "So go get some." "We don't have any!" "Go to the store, then." "I can't drive!" "Try walking. It's good for you." "I can't walk straight right now!" "You can't even think straight." "C'moooooon." "John. I know you've had a few martinis. This James Bond marathon was a good idea." " Right?! But no shaken martinis. Only stirred." "Okay, and now you want pickles. So get up, leave the apartment, go down a block, and grab a jar at the grocery store. Simple." "Cardio sounds awful right nooooooow." "Well, I'm sure as Hell not driving you." " What?! Why not?!" "'Cause I've been drinking, too, dude! I like martinis just as much as you do!...

by Belinda Roddie "Okay, I know you're on a salted caramel kick, but stout? Really?!" "I couldn't resist, dude." "Salted. Caramel. Stout. Un-fucking-believable, man." "I just saw it in the booze aisle and thought, 'Well, that's two of my favorite things right there.'" "First, it was the salted caramel hot chocolate..." "Which I did spike, let me remind you." "With butterscotch schnapps." "I hadn't had that stuff in years! It was a treat!" "Yes, and I'll admit, I'm a sucker for sweet liqueur like that." "See?" "Then the constant boxes of salted caramel candy." "Yeah, I gotta lay off. Don't want these sick abs to become a giant keg." "..." "..." "...John." "Don't say I don't have abs." "John." "Do not say that I don't h...

by Belinda Roddie "I’m just saying, I think gummy sharks should taste like blood, not gelatin." "Why the Hell would you want that?" "It just makes it realistic, that's all." "...Realistic? To taste shark blood?" "I mean, have you had it? Maybe it's not bad." "...In a Mai Tai?" "Would it not truly be the Hawaii experience?" "No!" "Hmmm. I guess you're right." "Thank you." "Because gummy sharks chill around Australia." "..." "Not Hawaii. Yeah, I got my geography fucked up." "..." "Their meat's called 'flake' in Southern Australia. Did you know that?" "John." "Yeah?" "What the fuck are you talking about?!" "I'm talking 'bout gummy sharks, dude! Like, for real gummy sharks!" "So we're not talking about the candy?" ...

WARNING: The following short story is significantly more R-rated than usual. Several references and bad puns about private parts can be found here. Please read at your own discretion. Thank you. by Belinda Roddie "'Jingle Boobs' would be a great name for a song." "..." "What? It would! Jingle boobs, jingle boobs - " "No." " Jingle all the boobs." "John, you're gay. You shouldn't be singing about boobs." "Oh, okay. Jingle boobs, jingle boobs, I am super gay..." "Oh, God." " I'm not squeezing any boobs 'cause I am super gay, hey!" "You are terrible at writing lyrics." "And you're just envious of my singing skills." "Are you kidding me? You couldn't carry a tune in a bucket if you tried." "Don't be silly, Aaron. You can't put tunes in buckets. They're tunes." "..." "Tunes...

by Belinda Roddie "Oh, man, this full-fat ice cream is legen dairy!" "..." "..." "...Okay. Two problems I have with that statement. First of all - " "The pun was awesome." "- the pun was awful." "Aarooooon!" "And second of all...'full-fat?'" "...Yeah. Full-fat ice cream." "...You mean regular ice cream." "..." "Just...regular, not at all altered, reduced anything ice cream." "...Dude. No. It's full-fat. Like, the opposite of low-fat." "You just call that regular ice cream, John." "No." "Regular ice cream is always full-fat, whatever that means." " No." "We don't call Vitamin D milk full-fat milk!" "Well, we don't call full-fat ice cream Vitamin D ice cream, now, do we? So I don't think we can treat milk and ice cream like they'...

by Belinda Roddie "Mackerel is no name for a little girl." "Why is it that you never like my name choices?" "Because they're silly." "You said the same thing about naming the cat Jumping Bean." "Yeah. It was silly. I like Zelda better." "Okay, fine. Mackerel's out. How about Salmon?" "Dude. No." "Carp?" " No!" "Rainbow Trout." "You just keep naming random fish! C'mon!" "Well, at least I added the Rainbow part of Rainbow Trout! That leaves me some gay cred!" "Sure. And zero 'capable of properly naming your hypothetical daughter' cred." "Hey, man, I take what I can get." "What little there is, at least." "Don't be mean." "It's late, I worked a long day, and I'm cranky. And we're almost out of booze." "Told you to get more." "We...

by Belinda Roddie "Why did you spread peanut butter with that?!" "All the knives are in the dishwasher." "Okay, but why did you spread it with that?!" "Because forks and spoons don't do a good enough job." "Yeah, but why did you spread it with THAT?!" "...You seem offended, Aaron." " That is fine silver!" "Looks dull as Hell to me." " I haven't polished it in five years!" "Not doing a good job taking care of stuff, then, are you?" " I inherited it from my grandmother!" "I'm sure she'll forgive you." " She's DEAD!" "...Oh." " HOW ELSE WOULD I HAVE INHERITED IT FROM HER?!" "Well, uh...she could've given it to you early!" "That's not how inheritance works, John." "Oh." "Yeah." "...I mean, we can always wash it off." ...

by Belinda Roddie "You know, any food can be green if you wait long enough." "I...don't think that's how it works." "No, really! Just let 'em get moldy, et voilà! Green food." "Okay. First of all, most mold isn't green on food. It's gray, and brown, and black..." "Ick. No fun. Definitely not festive." "And second of all, if our food turned green, we wouldn't eat it." "I know." "We'd throw it the fuck away." "I know, dude! I'm just saying - if you want more green for St. Patrick's Day, you know what to do." "I kiiiiiind of get the feeling that green food coloring would be more efficient." "And who forgot to get green food coloring at the store? Hmmm?" "...You did." "...No." "You forgot to get green food coloring." " No." "I specifically sent you off to the grocery sto...

by Belinda Roddie "Did you know that originally, these candy hearts were actually made out of chalk?" "Uh-huh." "No, seriously. It was a Valentine's Day idea for people to write out their feelings in chalk on the pavement with these things. But then some idiot ate one and got sick, so they changed it into candy." "You are so full of shit." "No, I'm full of Merlot and shitty V-Day candy. There's a difference." "Then why do you keep buying these?" "Because they're cheap and no one else likes them. Seriously. Why get these when you can have heart-shaped chocolates instead?" "I knew it was a bad idea to let you raid the candy section at the store today." "I was on a mission! It was a very important mission, Aaron." "Right." "...So what candy do you prefer, then?" "I dunno. M&M's?" "Boring." "Did you know t...

by Belinda Roddie "And this little eggy goes in my mouthhole!" "Uh-huh." "And this little eggy goes in your mouthhole." "No, thanks." "Then this little eggy will go up your a - " "No. No. Do not finish that sentence." "What's the matter, man? Not a fan?" "I don't like deviled eggs." "Aaron!" "It's the mayonnaise! I'm not a fan!" " Treason!" "Mayo's gross, dude. Did you know some sushi places put mayo on their rolls now? It's disgusting." "Um. That's aioli, my good sir." "John, what is aioli made out of?" "...Garlic and love?" "It's mayo. It's egg and cream.  Mayo." "Oh." "Yeah." "...Huh." "Yeah." "...Yeah, I knew that." "I was wondering." "I still think love is a key ingredient."...