Saturday's Storyteller: "Dude, I think this pear juice has gone rancid."

by Belinda Roddie

"Dude, I think this pear juice has gone rancid."

"What?"

"You know. The pear juice. The bottle of pear juice I got earlier."

"...What?"

"Hon. Pear juice. Juice made from a pear. The juice that comes from a pear. The juice of a pear. I'm speaking like Kronk right now. Fucking pear juice."

"...Pear...juice...?"

"...Yeah, man. Pear juice."

"That's...that's a thing?"

"Hmm. Okay, let's see. A pear is a fruit, and you can use fruit to make juice. So, yes, Aaron, I'd say that pear juice is a motherfucking thing."

"..."

"..."

"That's...weird."

"How is it weird?"

"John, I have never drunk pear juice in my life. Like, in my life."

"...Really?"

"Really. And I didn't even know we had any in the fridge. Obviously, I'm not paying close enough attention to shit."

"..."

"...What?"

"Dude. You've never had pear juice?"

"...Is that...really so strange to you?"

"Yeah, man! Like, have you never soaked a pear in brandy?"

"...Um...?"

"Dude, pear and brandy are a sweet fucking combination. My dad, he made three different liqueurs with pears and brandy. All different flavors, too. Ginger, vanilla, cinnamon..."

"Okay, he soaked a pear in brandy."

"Yeah! He did!"

"That's not the same as pear juice, John."

"...Okay, but if he squeezed it really hard..."

"Where can you even buy pear juice?"

"...I mean...the store?"

"..."

"The Farmer's Market?"

"..."

"...online?"

"I think you're fucking with me."

"Aaron, I am holding a bottle of bad pear juice in my hand. Right now."

"Let me see it."

"You can look at it right now."

"Well, let me smell it."

"No, don't!"

"I need to smell it to make sure it's pear!"

"You do not want to do that to yourself, babe!"

"Give me the bottle!"

"Never!"

"Give me the fucking bottle!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Oh. Oh, God."

"I warned you, didn't I? It's fucking nasty."

"...That's like...a rotten pear that was stuck up an elephant's asshole...and then, like, pulled back out and crushed into a disgusting pulp."

"..."

"..."

"...well, that was insanely detailed."

"You get my drift!"

"Are you familiar with what the inside of an elephant's asshole smells like, dude?"

"Fuck off!"

"Give me that bottle back. Here, I'll make it up to you. Want a hard cider?"

"...Is it pear?"

"No. I wouldn't wish pear on anyone right now. It's apple or berry, my man."

"...Berries seem harmless right now. Sure, I'll have that."

"..."

"..."

"...Okay, now all I can picture are rotten berries stuck up a bear's ass."

"John!"

"You know...because berries. Bears. Bears eat berries."

"Why are you doing this to me, John?!"

"I'm a bear. Though I wouldn't want berries in my ass."

"Why, John?!"

"Beads, maybe, but not berries."

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!"

This week's prompt was provided by Arden Roddie.