Saturday's Storyteller: "What the HELL is on your head?"

by Belinda Roddie

"What the hell is on your head?"

"Dude."

"John."

"It's a viking helmet."

"JOHN."

"Have you never seen a viking helmet before?"

"Why are you wearing a viking helmet?"

"Well, I mean...it's not really a viking helmet."

"...What."

"I mean, sure, vikings wore helmets or maybe went bare-headed, but there's no reason to believe they had horns on their helmets."

"..."

"In fact, Gustav Malmström was an artist who created the horned helmet in the first place, and then Wagner - "

"Stop saying words right now!"

"What? It's all correct!"

"I don't care!"

"I think the vikings wore a rounded iron cap, actually..."

"I. Don't. Care."

"Well, you should! 'Cause history is awesome."

"John, why are you wearing a 'viking' helmet?"

"Ooh. Nice air quotes."

"Would you please answer my question?!"

"Well, if you must know...I'm going to an early Halloween party."

"...a what?"

"Girl, did I stutter? A Halloween party. Two months early."

"...Why."

" 'Cause it's fun?"

"Why?!"

"Because it's never too early for Halloween!"

"It's mid-August!"

"And?! Where's your sense of holiday adventure, babe?!"

"Why are you celebrating Halloween so early?!"

"Because Stuart loves celebrating Halloween all year round. Duh."

"Fucking Stuart."

"Hey, man, he's a sweet dude."

"And gay as fuck."

"So are we, sweetie."

"Point. So. Why a viking?"

"...Dude, c'mon, Aaron? Who would ever expect a black viking?"

"Aw, John."

"Just like they'd never expect an Asian viking."

"John!"

"Which is why you should be my viking buddy!"

"I am not going to go all social justice warrior for a two month early Halloween party!"

"Not social justice warrior. Social justice viking."

"This is ridiculous!"

"Why? All the white bitches dress up as geishas and Native Americans and stereotypical Mexicans with sombreros and shit like that. Why can't we be the so-called whitest warriors in existence?"

"Do I really look like I wanna become a hashtag on Twitter for cancel culture?!"

"Aaron. Chillax. Have some fun, will ya? Tear down some walls. Break some boundaries. Live a little. For once."

"John, you know for a fact that the saying, 'Live a little,' gives me chronic gas."

"Only because you can't handle the truth."

"If the truth is the equivalent of an extra bean burrito, then...yes, I'd agree with that."

"Whatever. You don't have to go. But I'm gonna get tanked in my horned viking helmet and furskin tunic and loincloth. Because I'm worth it, babe."

"Okay, Loreal."

"More tequila for me."

"Have fun."

"..."

"..."

"...Aaron?"

"Yeah?"

"Want me to bring back a bottle of coconut rum when the party's over?"

"...You know me too well, John."

"Tropical Dark and Stormy's are the best, man."

"Go be horny at your premature Halloween party."

"..."

"..."

"Hah! 'Horny.' I get it."

"Just go already!"

This week's prompt was provided by Arden Roddie.