Saturday's Storyteller: "I think my helper monkey is stealing from me."

by Belinda Roddie

"I think my helper monkey is stealing from me."

"No. No, it's not."

"No, seriously. My watch disappeared yesterday, and now my cellphone's missing. My helper monkey's being a dick."

"That didn't happen."

"How do you know?!"

"Because you don't have a helper monkey, John."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Okay, fine, Mr. Killjoy. But if I did have a helper monkey, I'm pretty sure it would steal from me."

"Yeah. Great hypothetical situation."

"Are you going to help me find my cellphone?"

"After you're done making up imaginary support primates, yeah."

"Hmmm...support primates..."

"Oh, God, no. No. Do not tell me I gave you an idea."

"No, but hear me out."

"No."

"What if...instead of service dogs..."

"No."

"We had support primates?"

"Why would you ever have a program like that?"

"C'mon! They're wicked smart!"

"And violent. You never heard of the woman whose pet chimp ripped her face off?"

"...What?"

"Ripped her face off, dude. Like paper."

"...Aaron! That is disgusting!"

"True story, though."

"Ugh!"

"Yep. Truth hurts."

"Okay, fine. No support primates."

"Good."

"...How about guide lemurs?"

"John, we are not investing in a company that gives blind people guide lemurs!"

"But they're so cute!"

"That is not a good idea for a non-profit venture!"

"But they're so cuuuuuuuuute!"

"Do you want me to help you find your cellphone or not?"

"Oh...no. No, it's fine. It's behind the half-full bottle of Jägermeister."

"...Uh-huh."

"And my watch is there, too."

"Of course it is."

"...Well, at least I didn't say the bottle was half-empty, huh? Huh?"

"Just...go to bed, John."

"Aaron?"

"Yeah, buddy?"

"Will you get me a helper monkey for Christmas?"

"...It's May, and no."

"Mr. Killjoy strikes again."

"That is not an appropriate nickname for me!"

"Tough, buddy! It's sticking like velcro."

"Remind me why I signed the lease with you again..."

"Because you loooooove me?"

"...Yes. I do. Reluctantly."

This week's prompt was provided by Daniel Bulone.