Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection
I need to forgive myself for being human.
I need to forgive myself for being stressed. I need to forgive myself for making mistakes. I need to forgive myself for being overly repetitive or inattentive or just plain overly hyperfocused on little things.
I need to forgive myself for a lot of stuff. Of course, my anxiety and my guilt complex make that pretty tricky.
This year, I have higher expectations for myself. Bear in mind, no one set the bar for me - I did that on my own. I decided that last year was going to be about making it through everything and putting together a finished yearbook and not royally screwing up with my English classes. Turns out, I did fairly well, and because I'm more experienced as a teacher now, and I have more students who are willing to work and doing more than what I saw last year, I'm now holding myself to a much loftier standard.
It's all arbitrary. All of it. And yet, I can't seem to be satisfied. I must always do better. Always, all the time.
Which makes all the moments in which I guilt over things that much more difficult.
And the worrying is awful. Every day, I am constantly fretting over what people think about me. How my bosses view my behavior, even when it comes down to the smallest tics or goofy moments of mine; how my students perceive me, how my editors think I'm doing as adviser and if I'm empowering them enough or keeping them in the loop. I owned up to some mistakes, for example, while dealing with one of my editors-in-chief today. And even though I knew it wasn't all on me - they had to step up to the plate and do things independently without relying on anyone else - I feel like my actions have left lasting repercussions that may ultimately impact me negatively. Even though what I feel is obviously not true, it still scares me. I don't want to mess up.
This is going to sound really ridiculous, but yesterday, for the first time, I bought merchandise related to the high school I work at: Specifically, a hooded sweatshirt with the high school's name and mascot. I wore it today while helping my Yearbook staff out at the football games tonight, which we won, fortunately. And I remember thinking, "I couldn't purchase that stuff in my first year; what if I hadn't made the cut? What if it hadn't worked out, and I had been dismissed, and then I would have had clothing representing a school that I didn't fit in with or do well at?" Now I'm wearing this damn thing and feeling like it's jinxed. Like because I bought this hoodie, that must mean that everything's going to fall apart, like the garment's cursed, and I'm doomed for wearing it and will surely lose everything I've worked so hard for and destroy the reputation I've built in this beautiful community!
It's so absurd. I know. I know more than anyone else how absurd I'm being.
I know that I am a good teacher, and that I am a good person, and that I am a good wife. And I know that I am a damn hard worker. So why do I get all weirdly superstitious? And why should I be so hard on myself all the time?
Honestly, the only thing I never beat myself up for is my writing. Even when I make errors, even when I don't work as diligently on incomplete projects as I should, even when I abandon certain things I've started - I never go mea culpa over that. I'm not sure why that is. Most artists would be metaphorically flogging themselves for the slightest faux pas. Yet, here I am, happy to just write, happy to just add to this blog, happy to finish up silly screenplays and poems and stories, happy to just go with the flow creatively, even if it means my plans for publication move slowly or don't materialize at all.
But everything else? God, I am my worst critic. And I don't know if that will ever change.
Be easy on yourselves, folks. At least some of us should know how to do that. We deserve to be patient with ourselves. And we deserve to be forgiven for the mistakes that we make.
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
I need to forgive myself for being stressed. I need to forgive myself for making mistakes. I need to forgive myself for being overly repetitive or inattentive or just plain overly hyperfocused on little things.
I need to forgive myself for a lot of stuff. Of course, my anxiety and my guilt complex make that pretty tricky.
This year, I have higher expectations for myself. Bear in mind, no one set the bar for me - I did that on my own. I decided that last year was going to be about making it through everything and putting together a finished yearbook and not royally screwing up with my English classes. Turns out, I did fairly well, and because I'm more experienced as a teacher now, and I have more students who are willing to work and doing more than what I saw last year, I'm now holding myself to a much loftier standard.
It's all arbitrary. All of it. And yet, I can't seem to be satisfied. I must always do better. Always, all the time.
Which makes all the moments in which I guilt over things that much more difficult.
And the worrying is awful. Every day, I am constantly fretting over what people think about me. How my bosses view my behavior, even when it comes down to the smallest tics or goofy moments of mine; how my students perceive me, how my editors think I'm doing as adviser and if I'm empowering them enough or keeping them in the loop. I owned up to some mistakes, for example, while dealing with one of my editors-in-chief today. And even though I knew it wasn't all on me - they had to step up to the plate and do things independently without relying on anyone else - I feel like my actions have left lasting repercussions that may ultimately impact me negatively. Even though what I feel is obviously not true, it still scares me. I don't want to mess up.
This is going to sound really ridiculous, but yesterday, for the first time, I bought merchandise related to the high school I work at: Specifically, a hooded sweatshirt with the high school's name and mascot. I wore it today while helping my Yearbook staff out at the football games tonight, which we won, fortunately. And I remember thinking, "I couldn't purchase that stuff in my first year; what if I hadn't made the cut? What if it hadn't worked out, and I had been dismissed, and then I would have had clothing representing a school that I didn't fit in with or do well at?" Now I'm wearing this damn thing and feeling like it's jinxed. Like because I bought this hoodie, that must mean that everything's going to fall apart, like the garment's cursed, and I'm doomed for wearing it and will surely lose everything I've worked so hard for and destroy the reputation I've built in this beautiful community!
It's so absurd. I know. I know more than anyone else how absurd I'm being.
I know that I am a good teacher, and that I am a good person, and that I am a good wife. And I know that I am a damn hard worker. So why do I get all weirdly superstitious? And why should I be so hard on myself all the time?
Honestly, the only thing I never beat myself up for is my writing. Even when I make errors, even when I don't work as diligently on incomplete projects as I should, even when I abandon certain things I've started - I never go mea culpa over that. I'm not sure why that is. Most artists would be metaphorically flogging themselves for the slightest faux pas. Yet, here I am, happy to just write, happy to just add to this blog, happy to finish up silly screenplays and poems and stories, happy to just go with the flow creatively, even if it means my plans for publication move slowly or don't materialize at all.
But everything else? God, I am my worst critic. And I don't know if that will ever change.
Be easy on yourselves, folks. At least some of us should know how to do that. We deserve to be patient with ourselves. And we deserve to be forgiven for the mistakes that we make.
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
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