Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

I know I have written a plethora of stressed out, cynical introspections over the past three or four months. I know that they may come across as whiny or self-despairing. I know that writing about this stuff ultimately can end up stressing me out more. I know that I have loved ones severely question me on my decision to share my experiences, asking me, "Aren't you worried about being too open with your feelings and having people reading this and getting you in trouble for it?"

I am not demanding sympathy, or pats on the back, or gushing sentiment. These introspections have recently been really cathartic to write, and while maybe talking about my life so candidly for people to see may come back to bite me one day, I do like letting my immediate circle of friends know what's up, and I like being able to look back on my earlier days and see what I've needed to work on, what I've learned, and how I've been able to push forward.

So...yeah. You've been warned.

Love ya, lovelies.

***

This was another hard week for me, unfortunately.

It was a short week, technically, in terms of work - I had Monday off, and I got to see family. When I got back, though, the drama just kept going. The stress kept increasing. And my own flaws and drawbacks started to rear their seriously ugly heads.

I lose a lot of focus when I'm dealing with pressure and a shitload of work, and my mental state (which I don't really want to get into the nitty gritty of because, believe it or not, I like a little bit of privacy) has not helped. Last year, I was super organized; I was on top of (nearly) everything. Grades, rubrics, Yearbook spreads, photos, schedules, outside paperwork. This year, it feels like I'm slipping. I haven't finished an action plan for my induction that's due next Wednesday. I completely screwed up on an elective fair roster by having only a few students hog the "shifts" at our Yearbook table (boy, did that blow up in my face, and working to fix it caused - you guessed it! - more drama). One of my vice principals did a surprise observation that didn't turn out well at all. He said I had a lot to improve and that he was "concerned" about some things he saw. Now, the previous observation had been fine, but this just completely caught me off guard. I felt inept, foolish, all the shitty feelings a beginning teacher feels. And it certainly didn't help that...

Oh, God, I'm going to admit to this. It's so embarrassing, and I'm so ashamed of it, and my brain keeps trying to convince me that I should quit teaching because of it. But I'm gonna say it. Because if I already own up to my fuck-ups, no one can criticize me, right?! ...No, they can. And I totally understand if any of my readers think less of me after this.

...I told a white lie to my vice principal. Yes, my vice principal. About a computer lab seating chart.

What the fuck. Really? I couldn't have just taken it on the nose that I had forgotten to use a seating chart in the computer labs? I had to try to maaaaagically trick my boss into thinking I was some mastermind who was doing everything right all along? And by doing so, I just had to throw the very students I care about under the bus when they rationally responded to my bullshit? Look, I know it's just a stupid white lie about a seating chart, but eroding trust is super easy, and now all I can think of is that my bosses think I'm some lying fool.

And the thing is, he didn't even ask me about the seating chart. I just blurted out something that was obviously untrue, and it just feels so gross to me that I even offered false information unprompted. And why? To make myself look better? To protect myself? How can I say I'm an honest person when I do stupid shit like this?!

Yes, lovelies, in a ridiculous state of panic over something seriously insignificant, I said something untrue about my classroom management style to my superior because my anxiety told me to, even though he didn't ask me for info on it, and he totally called me out on it during our follow-up chat in his office, and I said I was sorry because I normally don't even tell white lies, and why would you do that, Belinda, that's going into your personnel file, you're a terrible person who doesn't deserve to lick the floor of a classroom, what is wrong with you?!

(Deep breath) Okay. That was intense.

In short, I have been making more and more mistakes, some more severe than others, just as expectations continue to rise for my teaching and my other work. And thanks to stress and anxiety, I'm paying the price for it. I've lost the trust I've worked so hard to earn, all because my irrational desire to self-preserve and save face couldn't keep quiet when I needed it to (mmmm, self-sabotage). I thought my English classes were going well, but perhaps I'm not doing enough as a teacher. I've felt some weird vibes since making that big decision last week and informing the appropriate people about it. I think some of them might be disappointed, or at least in denial. And I also know that my district is thinking of sending out pink slips. I am definitely vulnerable when it comes to a potential lay-off.

My self-esteem, as a result, has plummeted. If you've been reading my poems and introspections in the past few months, let alone weeks (and for that, I thank you - I know I haven't been the cheeriest chap around), you've probably noticed a common thread, which is my inability to forgive myself for my mistakes - big and small. I've been told over and over again that I will never stop making mistakes, and that not everyone is going to like me, including students and colleagues, which I accept. But I feel like, as a teacher in this era of serious call-out culture, I can't fuck up ever. I can't have vulnerable moments or mess up or get frustrated when things go wrong or take a moment away to cry. I like to believe that I'm a caring, compassionate, and effective teacher, but I think my fear of being ostracized or shamed also allows students to disrespect me (which then makes me feel like a pushover, and the self-loathing restarts in earnest). I feel like any move away from stoic, or pretending to be happy, is unprofessional. And I've had students throw my errors from months ago back in my face, so my mind determines that if they don't forgive me, why should I?

It got to the point this week that I was becoming severely fatigued. I was having a hard time concentrating on my work, and the only thing that was really keeping me going was writing a new play (so far untitled, but it'll definitely start with the letter J) and reading through it with my wife. Once that was done, however, the ennui really set in again. And worst of all, I was beginning to hate myself. I was beginning to see myself as this real jerk who didn't deserve respect from my peers or students, or to be at the high school I taught at, or to ever be recognized as a writer or performer.

So today, I finally wrote it all down - and no, not in pretty poetic language. All my negative thoughts and feelings and anger and frustration at myself, all those little demons trying to push their way out of my body and onto the keyboard, just burst out of me as if fleeing the gates of Hell. I wrote sentence after sentence just ripping into myself. Most of them had to do with my personality: That I talked too much. That I whined too much. That I was too loud. That I was too anxious. That I couldn't manage my temper. That I was tactless and always said the wrong thing. That I couldn't handle confrontation or put up a fight (which in some situations is true, especially when the other person can metaphorically punch back, and harder). That I was weak. That I was pathetic. That I was a dirty, good-for-nothing liar. That all I was good at was letting people down. That I was the reason everyone was so unhappy. I started spiraling into this really dark place in my head that I hadn't really been in since I was severely bullied in school, and I gave myself way too much credit and imagined people talking about me, making Internet posts about me, crucifying me for God knows what alleged "sin" I thought I had committed (thanks, Catholicism, for the guilt complex). This was me finally taking all of those feelings that had driven my week and my creative writing and just cramming it into an email and sending it off to a loved one to read - with her permission and foresight, of course. All in all, I wrote over 55 unique criticisms of myself, just laying them all out for me to see.

It was supposed to feel good. But, shocker, it really didn't. And after that, I performed in a talent show.

It's an annual show at the high school I work at that normally only features students, but this year, they also allowed faculty to perform. I could only do something tonight, as today is my father's birthday (Love you, Dad). and we're celebrating with him tomorrow. So I decided to perform an original song I wrote over six years ago, "Keep Me Warm (Cold December)." It's a song I really liked writing and enjoy performing because 1. It's a winter-themed song, and I'm a big fan of winter-themed music, and 2. It's a love song dedicated to my then-girlfriend, now-wife. Being able to step onstage again to sing and play guitar - despite having to sing the first verse without a working microphone and then making a quip and restarting the second verse when it was finally turned on - was invigorating to me. Being back onstage and basking in that applause may have felt self-indulgent, but the praise and the positive reception were two things I felt extremely lacking in from anyone else besides my wife and my family. It was the happiest and most fulfilled I had been in a really, really long time.

When you're constantly surrounded by negativity - and all you hear is, "You're doing this wrong," or, "You fucked this up," or, "You didn't consider [insert feelings or thoughts here]" - it can be really devastating. There has to be positivity to counterbalance the negativity, to help you own up to the mistakes you've made while also reiterating to you that you can move forward with the strengths that you have. So far, I feel like my strengths haven't really been acknowledged by most people this year, and just running on believing in yourself, no matter the odds, is a rapidly depleting energy source. It needs to be recharged by outside affirmation, by reminders that people are confident in your ability to do well. But besides a couple of teachers telling me that everything is going to be okay, the oasis of good feelings and, "I'm a good teacher and person," has sort of dried up into the rest of my mental desert.

Is that selfish? Maybe it is. But it's the honest to God truth, and some people may not even think it's selfish to begin with. And I'm tired of worrying about being selfish when I have sacrificed a lot of my own time, energy, and happiness for the sake of other people without getting much back.

So, I'm glad it's the weekend. I'm glad I can take a moment to rest and recuperate. I'm glad that Monday will be a somewhat easy day for me and that some of my students are taking the latest deadlines and due dates seriously. I'm glad that I have friends and family who love me. It's just that right now, all the work I've done throughout the years to love myself just feels like it's being tossed out of a broken window.

I'm trying to remember; I really am. Just as I described remembering my love of teaching in last week's introspection (my Why I Teach poem), I need to remember my love of self. And until I get over and learn from my own mistakes, understand that not everyone will forgive me - that doesn't mean my life is over or my reputation is ruined - and move forward, I will always be stuck in the rut of frustration, anxiety, and self-pity.

Almost one month of 2019 done, people. Let's see how the rest of the school year goes.

Have a great night and a great weekend.