Saturday's Storyteller: "Who the hell is Sheryl Bradley?"
by Arden Roddie & Belinda Roddie
"Who the hell is Sheryl Bradley?"
"What's that, Branson?"
"Who. The hell. Is Sheryl Bradley?"
"Oh, goodness me! Whatever made you think of that name?"
"I was searching through your albums, bitch. 'Cause it's boring as shit staying here."
"Oh, come now, dearie - did you see her picture?"
"Uh...yeah? Sheryl Bradley is some bimbo with brown hair."
"Was some bimbo with brown hair, Branson. You'd do well to remember that."
"What?"
"Let me see this album, please. Go fetch it from my room?"
"Ugh. Fine."
"...Ooh. Ooh, my. My, my, my."
"What?"
"Oh, Branson...the memories are flooding back."
"What do you mean?"
"Scary Sherry, dear! Now, those were the good days. I do miss her terribly."
"...Yeah, uh, question still stands."
"What question, sweetie?"
"Who is she, Granny? Gawd!"
"Oh! Well, all you had to do was ask, Branny boy! Sheryl Bradley was my first lesbian lover!"
"...What?"
"Yes! Why, we made love from winter to summer! Autumn was never a season she liked. Hated Halloween. Even though I loved sticking candy corn down her bra."
"What the hell, Granny!"
"Oh, don't tell me you haven't found your special someone! You know why they called her Scary Sherry?"
"Uh...no? I kind of don't want to know, either."
"Weeeeelllll, she would get her head riiiight between your thighs, and once her tongue was on that sweet cooter, she would - "
"Oh, gawd, Granny, I don't wanna know!"
"Don't interrupt your grandma in the middle of her story! Now, she would be flicking that little bean until you were nice and aroused...and when you least expected it, she'd pop up from your bush and scream, 'Boo!' And that's why she was called Scary Sherry."
"I definitely didn't want to know that..."
"Now, remember, dearie, Sheryl Bradley was my first lesbian lover. She was not my last. Why, I think I had a total of sixteen lesbian lovers before I decided on your grandfather."
"Granny, please..."
"I will say, though - as much as your grandpa was nice in the sack, those sixteen lesbians sure gave him quite a bit of competition. Did I ever tell you about Taco Tuesday Tina?"
"I hate my life."
"She's the reason for Taco Tuesday! I know how much you love your soft tacos, Branson. But she was good at the seafood type, if you catch my drift..."
"I never want to eat a taco ever again."
"And trust me, dearie - Tina was the spicy kind. You never needed hot sauce with her."
"Mom? Mom, it's Branson. Can you come pick me up? Granny's being weird again."
"But before Tina, I will say...I did enjoy my December with Dolores. That was the best Christmas I ever had. Forget mistletoe - try peppermint sticks passed between lips. And she brought a whole new meaning to the term, 'Christmas tree...'"
"No, Mom, I know you're in Arizona, but just cut your fucking vacation short, okay?"
"And after Dolores and Tina, there was Bertha! Now, you would think she was as fat as a zeppelin...and she was! And I adored it. Every curve and fold - I could just eat her up for Thanksgiving dinner! And go for seconds."
"Mom, I swear, she's off on one of her nostalgic LSD trips again. Does she do LSD? That doesn't make her cool!"
"In fact, I distinctly remember taking a trip to Bodega Bay with Bertha. The sun was out, and she was dressed in the skimpiest bikini. Seeing her sun tan was the best day of my life. She had so much to love...and I loved all of it."
"Mom, I know the MLM is a big fucking deal to you, but I'm going to die here! And no, I'm not overreacting, Mom!"
"And the sex! My goodness. You have never had sex until you were with a gorgeous Rubenesque figure like Bertha. Tell me, Branny boy...have you ever been spelunking?"
"Mom, I gotta go - I'm gonna drown myself in Granny's swimming pool!"
"Branson? Branson, were you just on the phone? You know, it's very rude to be on the phone when Granny's telling stories."
"...Grandma...I don't feel good. Can I go to bed early?"
"Oh, you poor thing. Let me make you some chicken soup from a recipe I learned from Dolores. You want to know what her secret recipe was?"
"...Homosexuality and sadness?"
"Close. But it's an extra clove of garlic. Clears the sinuses right up. Go rest, sweetie - I'll bring you a bowl after I watch my gay telenovela."
"...Can I ask you a question, Granny?"
"Sure, dear. Ask me anything."
"...Why did you marry Grandpa if you were so gay?"
"Oh, no, dear, I was never gay. I was bisexual. I had plenty of male lovers as well! Did you forget my biker sagas?"
"I tried to forget. I'm going to bed."
"Okay, dear - I'll have a bowl of Dolores' Delight to you in no time."
"Please never call it that again..."
This week's prompt was provided by a dream I had last week, in which the name, "Sheryl Bradley," popped up. Arden Roddie assisted with the writing of this Storyteller. Thanks, wifey!
"Who the hell is Sheryl Bradley?"
"What's that, Branson?"
"Who. The hell. Is Sheryl Bradley?"
"Oh, goodness me! Whatever made you think of that name?"
"I was searching through your albums, bitch. 'Cause it's boring as shit staying here."
"Oh, come now, dearie - did you see her picture?"
"Uh...yeah? Sheryl Bradley is some bimbo with brown hair."
"Was some bimbo with brown hair, Branson. You'd do well to remember that."
"What?"
"Let me see this album, please. Go fetch it from my room?"
"Ugh. Fine."
"...Ooh. Ooh, my. My, my, my."
"What?"
"Oh, Branson...the memories are flooding back."
"What do you mean?"
"Scary Sherry, dear! Now, those were the good days. I do miss her terribly."
"...Yeah, uh, question still stands."
"What question, sweetie?"
"Who is she, Granny? Gawd!"
"Oh! Well, all you had to do was ask, Branny boy! Sheryl Bradley was my first lesbian lover!"
"...What?"
"Yes! Why, we made love from winter to summer! Autumn was never a season she liked. Hated Halloween. Even though I loved sticking candy corn down her bra."
"What the hell, Granny!"
"Oh, don't tell me you haven't found your special someone! You know why they called her Scary Sherry?"
"Uh...no? I kind of don't want to know, either."
"Weeeeelllll, she would get her head riiiight between your thighs, and once her tongue was on that sweet cooter, she would - "
"Oh, gawd, Granny, I don't wanna know!"
"Don't interrupt your grandma in the middle of her story! Now, she would be flicking that little bean until you were nice and aroused...and when you least expected it, she'd pop up from your bush and scream, 'Boo!' And that's why she was called Scary Sherry."
"I definitely didn't want to know that..."
"Now, remember, dearie, Sheryl Bradley was my first lesbian lover. She was not my last. Why, I think I had a total of sixteen lesbian lovers before I decided on your grandfather."
"Granny, please..."
"I will say, though - as much as your grandpa was nice in the sack, those sixteen lesbians sure gave him quite a bit of competition. Did I ever tell you about Taco Tuesday Tina?"
"I hate my life."
"She's the reason for Taco Tuesday! I know how much you love your soft tacos, Branson. But she was good at the seafood type, if you catch my drift..."
"I never want to eat a taco ever again."
"And trust me, dearie - Tina was the spicy kind. You never needed hot sauce with her."
"Mom? Mom, it's Branson. Can you come pick me up? Granny's being weird again."
"But before Tina, I will say...I did enjoy my December with Dolores. That was the best Christmas I ever had. Forget mistletoe - try peppermint sticks passed between lips. And she brought a whole new meaning to the term, 'Christmas tree...'"
"No, Mom, I know you're in Arizona, but just cut your fucking vacation short, okay?"
"And after Dolores and Tina, there was Bertha! Now, you would think she was as fat as a zeppelin...and she was! And I adored it. Every curve and fold - I could just eat her up for Thanksgiving dinner! And go for seconds."
"Mom, I swear, she's off on one of her nostalgic LSD trips again. Does she do LSD? That doesn't make her cool!"
"In fact, I distinctly remember taking a trip to Bodega Bay with Bertha. The sun was out, and she was dressed in the skimpiest bikini. Seeing her sun tan was the best day of my life. She had so much to love...and I loved all of it."
"Mom, I know the MLM is a big fucking deal to you, but I'm going to die here! And no, I'm not overreacting, Mom!"
"And the sex! My goodness. You have never had sex until you were with a gorgeous Rubenesque figure like Bertha. Tell me, Branny boy...have you ever been spelunking?"
"Mom, I gotta go - I'm gonna drown myself in Granny's swimming pool!"
"Branson? Branson, were you just on the phone? You know, it's very rude to be on the phone when Granny's telling stories."
"...Grandma...I don't feel good. Can I go to bed early?"
"Oh, you poor thing. Let me make you some chicken soup from a recipe I learned from Dolores. You want to know what her secret recipe was?"
"...Homosexuality and sadness?"
"Close. But it's an extra clove of garlic. Clears the sinuses right up. Go rest, sweetie - I'll bring you a bowl after I watch my gay telenovela."
"...Can I ask you a question, Granny?"
"Sure, dear. Ask me anything."
"...Why did you marry Grandpa if you were so gay?"
"Oh, no, dear, I was never gay. I was bisexual. I had plenty of male lovers as well! Did you forget my biker sagas?"
"I tried to forget. I'm going to bed."
"Okay, dear - I'll have a bowl of Dolores' Delight to you in no time."
"Please never call it that again..."
This week's prompt was provided by a dream I had last week, in which the name, "Sheryl Bradley," popped up. Arden Roddie assisted with the writing of this Storyteller. Thanks, wifey!
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