Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection
Okay.
So.
Today is finally the day I can tell you all, in as much detail as I can, what's been going on with my life. Now, some of you already know what's up - you're close friends and family of mine, you've had conversations with me, you've read what I've posted and written. And really, I just want to thank each and every one of you for supporting me and helping me out through this difficult time.
What I'm going to tell you is the basic, linear story of what's been going down since January 15th of this year. I'm going to omit certain details, like names, locations, and specific conversations. I'm allowed to do that. You all know how candid and honest I can be, to a fault sometimes. And I do reserve the right to some privacy. I know - shocker, right?
So here's the rundown. January 15th, I informed my principal that I had no desire to return as yearbook adviser. The class had spent my creative, emotional, and mental energy to such an extent that I knew that a third year just wasn't in the cards. I had to focus more on my loved ones, my creative outlets, and of course, my English classes. So I told my principal I wanted to stay on as an English teacher and was open to teaching other courses and grades besides just ELA 10.
Fast forward less than a week later to the observation by my vice principal, and then the alarmingly mediocre evaluation I received, where I admit I made some stupid and reckless decisions based on my anxiety at the time. I really and truly felt that I had, in a way, been intentionally caught off guard. It all seemed too set up, and while I'm not a conspiracy theorist, I almost felt like they were preparing me to fail. This was also around the time I learned that the district wanted to lay off one English teacher at the high school, so while I wasn't the junior English teacher anymore, I was getting very worried that my leaving the yearbook program was, in essence, stripping away armor, and I was now vulnerable for being non-reelected or let go.
After a tense meeting about yearbook spreads with my principal and essentially inferring from the conversation that I was no longer trusted, I knew that my job hunting so for had been a good idea. I had a job fair and interview lined up for the weekend, and I was going to see if I could find better opportunities elsewhere. I didn't want to leave my high school if I didn't have to - I love the students there, and I love the faculty and environment of the school - but I was weighing my options.
Saturday, February 2nd: I was offered a position at another school district. And I decided to take it.
As I said, I have removed some other details of the story for my own sake. I have dealt with two of the toughest months of my life, and I have had to rebuild a lot of my confidence and self-worth. I have been working with loved ones and professionals to remind myself that I am valued and important as both a teacher and an individual, and being flawed or making mistakes doesn't cancel those good parts of me out.
There's still a lot of stuff up in the air with my new teaching position, but I know that by the fall, I will be at another school. I will be getting paid more, and hopefully, I'll have better benefits. I'll be able to stay in my town while commuting to another school, which does forge some needed distance between the students and me. While what has happened is not ideal, it is, ultimately, the best for me at this time.
By the end of this year, I will have cleared my credential, and I will have completed two years at a public school. I know that the yearbook program will be in the hands of competent people who are willing to reevaluate the class as a whole. I will miss my students dearly, and I know most of them have nothing but positive things to say about me. But this chapter of my life is coming to a close. It's sooner than I hoped, and I had to learn a lot of things the hard way. But I learned. And I grew.
I will be thirty years old in June, so I feel that now's as good a time as any to really figure out what I need the most. And I need to be in a place where my work is respected and validated. I need to be in a place that allows me to continue working, performing, and creating music. I need to be in a place where something like yearbook isn't hindering me or eating up too much of my time. Do I regret being adviser? Absolutely not. I have so much more knowledge and skills about things I never dreamed I'd dabble in. And that's awesome.
So. I've informed my students of the change. I have the weekend to rest. I'm fighting off a cold and will be catsitting for my parents with my brother and my wife. I will continue to maintain self-care and patience with my own development. And most of all, I will try to be, as always, forgiving of myself.
Because I'm pretty great, folks. I'm pretty fucking great.
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
So.
Today is finally the day I can tell you all, in as much detail as I can, what's been going on with my life. Now, some of you already know what's up - you're close friends and family of mine, you've had conversations with me, you've read what I've posted and written. And really, I just want to thank each and every one of you for supporting me and helping me out through this difficult time.
What I'm going to tell you is the basic, linear story of what's been going down since January 15th of this year. I'm going to omit certain details, like names, locations, and specific conversations. I'm allowed to do that. You all know how candid and honest I can be, to a fault sometimes. And I do reserve the right to some privacy. I know - shocker, right?
So here's the rundown. January 15th, I informed my principal that I had no desire to return as yearbook adviser. The class had spent my creative, emotional, and mental energy to such an extent that I knew that a third year just wasn't in the cards. I had to focus more on my loved ones, my creative outlets, and of course, my English classes. So I told my principal I wanted to stay on as an English teacher and was open to teaching other courses and grades besides just ELA 10.
Fast forward less than a week later to the observation by my vice principal, and then the alarmingly mediocre evaluation I received, where I admit I made some stupid and reckless decisions based on my anxiety at the time. I really and truly felt that I had, in a way, been intentionally caught off guard. It all seemed too set up, and while I'm not a conspiracy theorist, I almost felt like they were preparing me to fail. This was also around the time I learned that the district wanted to lay off one English teacher at the high school, so while I wasn't the junior English teacher anymore, I was getting very worried that my leaving the yearbook program was, in essence, stripping away armor, and I was now vulnerable for being non-reelected or let go.
After a tense meeting about yearbook spreads with my principal and essentially inferring from the conversation that I was no longer trusted, I knew that my job hunting so for had been a good idea. I had a job fair and interview lined up for the weekend, and I was going to see if I could find better opportunities elsewhere. I didn't want to leave my high school if I didn't have to - I love the students there, and I love the faculty and environment of the school - but I was weighing my options.
Saturday, February 2nd: I was offered a position at another school district. And I decided to take it.
As I said, I have removed some other details of the story for my own sake. I have dealt with two of the toughest months of my life, and I have had to rebuild a lot of my confidence and self-worth. I have been working with loved ones and professionals to remind myself that I am valued and important as both a teacher and an individual, and being flawed or making mistakes doesn't cancel those good parts of me out.
There's still a lot of stuff up in the air with my new teaching position, but I know that by the fall, I will be at another school. I will be getting paid more, and hopefully, I'll have better benefits. I'll be able to stay in my town while commuting to another school, which does forge some needed distance between the students and me. While what has happened is not ideal, it is, ultimately, the best for me at this time.
By the end of this year, I will have cleared my credential, and I will have completed two years at a public school. I know that the yearbook program will be in the hands of competent people who are willing to reevaluate the class as a whole. I will miss my students dearly, and I know most of them have nothing but positive things to say about me. But this chapter of my life is coming to a close. It's sooner than I hoped, and I had to learn a lot of things the hard way. But I learned. And I grew.
I will be thirty years old in June, so I feel that now's as good a time as any to really figure out what I need the most. And I need to be in a place where my work is respected and validated. I need to be in a place that allows me to continue working, performing, and creating music. I need to be in a place where something like yearbook isn't hindering me or eating up too much of my time. Do I regret being adviser? Absolutely not. I have so much more knowledge and skills about things I never dreamed I'd dabble in. And that's awesome.
So. I've informed my students of the change. I have the weekend to rest. I'm fighting off a cold and will be catsitting for my parents with my brother and my wife. I will continue to maintain self-care and patience with my own development. And most of all, I will try to be, as always, forgiving of myself.
Because I'm pretty great, folks. I'm pretty fucking great.
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
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