Saturday's Storyteller: "My dream job is to be the person who writes elaborate descriptions on the backs of wine bottles." - THE THIRD INSTALLMENT!

by Belinda Roddie

My dream job is to be the person who writes elaborate descriptions on the backs of wine bottles. I mean, do I have to explain it again? This is the third time! We're at Trilogy Level, homies!

Okay, here we go!

Summer Blast (White Blend)

An aromatic journey into your nearest valley, this wine will make you want to pull on the white polo and khaki shorts, head out to the patio, and sip some citrus-y goodness while watching your neighbors play bocce ball. Experience the delicate hints of orange, lemon zest, and lavender if you can taste it. Just don't forget to wear sunscreen, or else your pasty butt will look like a beaten up football in then years.

Uncommon (Verdejo)

Let's be real: You probably have never heard of Verdejo before until you looked at this bottle. Well, today's your lucky day, Gary! Spice up your otherwise boring office cubicle experience with flavor profiles like lime, grapefruit, or fennel! Just be sure to put your mask back on after you sip; there is a pandemic still going around, after all.

Wait. Fennel? Who the fuck wants their wine to taste like fennel?!

Now You See Me (2019 Chardonnay)

Rich. Sharp. Hits your tongue like a desperate failing businessman drives a metaphorical knife into the stock value of his company. Papaya and pineapple can't bail you out of this human resources crisis. But they sure taste good in a scratched up glass you scrounged up from your building's kitchen stash before driving all the way to the Mexican border.

Drink it with salmon. I dare you.

Now You Don't (2017 Chardonnay)

Ah, the good old days before your life fell apart. Make sure to invest in clean energy instead of doge coins, okay?

Hey, take my advice for once, Gary!

Absurdism (Red Blend)

Maybe it tastes like chocolate. Maybe it's like licking an oak tree. Maybe it's got a light tannins. Maybe its alcohol content will kick your ass so hard that you'll forget to cook the T-bone steak medium rare. And well done T-bone is a sin.

Whatever the case may be, the universe is not in the mood for your shenanigans. It allows enough of those already.

Close your eyes, and the world may taste like cherry instead. If you're lucky.

If you're lucky.

I'M STILL WAITING FOR THAT JOB OFFER, WINERIES! JESUS CHRIST!

Yep - it's been a while, but I went wine tasting again with some friends! So more wine labels were necessary.