Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection
I've realized just how hard I am on myself for making mistakes.
Not when it comes to writing, mind you, because I consider every mistake part of a draft. Basically, when you're a writer, you're encouraged to fail the first time or even the first couple of times. Because failure spawns creativity and allows your ideas and stories and characters to better develop. Same goes with music composition and performance, which I also do: Not so much of a crime if I goof on a note or don't write the best song in the world.
I'm hard on myself when it comes to people. Tonight, as I was writing this entry...I got into a particularly bad argument with one of my friends. Over semantics, no less. One of his biggest pet peeves. I thought I was being valiant and proper, when really, I was being silly and immature. I was someone who had practically no friends as a kid, so I've built this complex that should I ever make a friend angry or feel like he or she just doesn't want to be friends anymore...it's 100% my fault. Regardless of how inaccurate that feeling may be.
Ever since the argument, I have done nothing but continually apologize to him. I value my friends highly, to a fault. And if I see the threat of losing them, I withdraw back to a past self that I tried to leave long ago. I have horrid guilt trips ("I'm twenty-two years old, for God's sake."/"I shouldn't ever act like this ever ever ever."/"I don't deserve any friends at all!"), I become very reclusive, I begin to question why people still like me or even love me...and of course, it makes the stress worse.
I have little to no tolerance for my own problems, whether technical or emotional. And it's because those screw-ups have resulted in bad consequences in the past, no matter how many people contributed to the fall-out. Even recently, I lost a friend because of my own stubbornness, and the worst part is none of it is intentional. But as someone once told me, intent gets overlooked in those situations - intent is insignificant in regards to action. That's the way of the world. And I am horribly tangled in it.
Do I know how to fix this complex? Not necessarily. All I have to remember is the other side of it all: There's such a thing as forgiveness. There's such a thing as "It's okay." There's such a thing as people understanding that I have moments and I make mistakes because I'm human. Hell, people understand we all have childish moments no matter how old we are. And they love me no matter what for who I am, and all the good things about me.
For example, tonight was only the second argument I had ever had with this friend of mine who I'd known for years. I have only had minor banters and misunderstandings with my girlfriend, whom I adore and who adores me. I have family who love me despite my flaws, friends who love me despite my flaws, and people who admire me because of my flaws...oddly enough. But acceptance and forgiveness are the two factors in this game I often forget about. And all the wonderful people in my life try to remind me of that.
If only in my brain, it would just stick.
Now for the recommendations:
Recommended Book: Landing by Emma Donoghue
An adorable love story about trial and tribulations with a long-distance relationship between a tomboyish Canadian girl and an older Irish stewardess? And it's written by a lesbian Irish writer? WIN.
Recommended Poet: Shel Silverstein
I loved his work as a child, I love it as an adult. Try to look up his fiction as well.
Recommended Music: Ella Fitzgerald
Did I recommend her before? Because if so, I'm recommending her again.
Recommended Drink before Bed: Hot Chocolate
I'm running out of drinks here. Bear with me.
Writer's Quotation of the Night:
Write something to suit yourself and many people will like it; write something to suit everybody and scarcely anyone will care for it.
-Jesse Stuart
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
Not when it comes to writing, mind you, because I consider every mistake part of a draft. Basically, when you're a writer, you're encouraged to fail the first time or even the first couple of times. Because failure spawns creativity and allows your ideas and stories and characters to better develop. Same goes with music composition and performance, which I also do: Not so much of a crime if I goof on a note or don't write the best song in the world.
I'm hard on myself when it comes to people. Tonight, as I was writing this entry...I got into a particularly bad argument with one of my friends. Over semantics, no less. One of his biggest pet peeves. I thought I was being valiant and proper, when really, I was being silly and immature. I was someone who had practically no friends as a kid, so I've built this complex that should I ever make a friend angry or feel like he or she just doesn't want to be friends anymore...it's 100% my fault. Regardless of how inaccurate that feeling may be.
Ever since the argument, I have done nothing but continually apologize to him. I value my friends highly, to a fault. And if I see the threat of losing them, I withdraw back to a past self that I tried to leave long ago. I have horrid guilt trips ("I'm twenty-two years old, for God's sake."/"I shouldn't ever act like this ever ever ever."/"I don't deserve any friends at all!"), I become very reclusive, I begin to question why people still like me or even love me...and of course, it makes the stress worse.
I have little to no tolerance for my own problems, whether technical or emotional. And it's because those screw-ups have resulted in bad consequences in the past, no matter how many people contributed to the fall-out. Even recently, I lost a friend because of my own stubbornness, and the worst part is none of it is intentional. But as someone once told me, intent gets overlooked in those situations - intent is insignificant in regards to action. That's the way of the world. And I am horribly tangled in it.
Do I know how to fix this complex? Not necessarily. All I have to remember is the other side of it all: There's such a thing as forgiveness. There's such a thing as "It's okay." There's such a thing as people understanding that I have moments and I make mistakes because I'm human. Hell, people understand we all have childish moments no matter how old we are. And they love me no matter what for who I am, and all the good things about me.
For example, tonight was only the second argument I had ever had with this friend of mine who I'd known for years. I have only had minor banters and misunderstandings with my girlfriend, whom I adore and who adores me. I have family who love me despite my flaws, friends who love me despite my flaws, and people who admire me because of my flaws...oddly enough. But acceptance and forgiveness are the two factors in this game I often forget about. And all the wonderful people in my life try to remind me of that.
If only in my brain, it would just stick.
Now for the recommendations:
Recommended Book: Landing by Emma Donoghue
An adorable love story about trial and tribulations with a long-distance relationship between a tomboyish Canadian girl and an older Irish stewardess? And it's written by a lesbian Irish writer? WIN.
Recommended Poet: Shel Silverstein
I loved his work as a child, I love it as an adult. Try to look up his fiction as well.
Recommended Music: Ella Fitzgerald
Did I recommend her before? Because if so, I'm recommending her again.
Recommended Drink before Bed: Hot Chocolate
I'm running out of drinks here. Bear with me.
Writer's Quotation of the Night:
Write something to suit yourself and many people will like it; write something to suit everybody and scarcely anyone will care for it.
-Jesse Stuart
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
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