Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection
What a week.
That's really the only way I can see it: What a week. In more ways than one. Positive and negative connotations. Both happy moments and very emotional moments. Mostly episodes of massive anxiety, second guessing, and yes, lots and lots of tears.
I had to make some very big decisions this week. After a weekend of looking at teaching credential programs with my very helpful aunt, I chose to push off doing a credential until 2014 after several nights of sobbing and wringing my hands about it. Yes, the decision was hard. Yes, I am genuinely concerned about what my aunt will think. Obviously, the work we did together was not in vain - I'm taking the tests I need to at least work in substitute teaching, and I have all the materials and knowledge necessary to apply for credentials much further in advance. The bottom line is, I shot myself in the foot by not applying sooner and also by not saving enough money to go to school and still be able to pay off my loans and other necessities, all the while shouldering the concerns of forgoing a job for the sake of a full-time education.
I wanted to do a teaching credential sooner. I really did. But the fault is squarely mine. I need to save money, and I want to be closer to my girlfriend. I want to find a way to achieve some form of independence from the little bubble that's been built for me. I don't want to be rushed into things, and I need more time to consider my options. That may seem like skewed priorities to some people, but I still haven't quite found my footing or laid out too sturdy of a foundation yet in my career path. Because of that, I'm not making enough money and as of now, I'm not capable of saving enough money to really allow myself the flexibility to do exactly everything I want. I have a long uphill climb ahead, and I've got to keep myself steady as best as possible even if at the expense of some of my long-term goals.
Another thing that got to me was work. For being a four-day week because of Martin Luther King Day on Monday, it was one of the longest weeks of work that I had ever had. I am working with second graders and fourth graders now, some of them being solely Spanish speakers, on their reading and writing skills. It's an invigorating challenge, but it's also terrifying, especially when I still have twelve girls in my literacy program who seem to be getting sassier and sassier by the day. I want to be able to succeed at my job and I want to be able to show people that I am a solid educator and instructor. But sometimes it's hard to forgive myself for botched lesson plans, days that don't go according to schedule, and other little things I wind up doing that pile up and make me feel...well, a little more than just miffed. Of course, those feelings end up leaking into my life outside work, making me feel as if I am appearing to be off-putting to even my friends and family. Which I certainly don't enjoy.
So that's the negative "What a week" material. The positive "What a week" stuff? Well, that fell mainly to today.
A while back, I signed up to perform at a talent show held by Americorps at Preservation Park in Oakland (this was where I had my orientation sessions for my job). I had previously performed my original song "Wide Open" at the Americorps retreat in Santa Cruz, which broke my dry spell of performing live in front of an audience, was a lot of fun, and got me some generally positive feedback. I came to the talent show knowing that 1. It was my dad's birthday and I was going to at least celebrate a little bit with him that night, and 2. I was going to see a lot of familiar faces. So it was definitely something to look forward to after a very rough week.
I got to Oakland early after a lovely chat with someone who works with GirlSMART and who helped me so much with advice and support with my class, so I was already in good spirits. I did get to see some people who work in other regions and who I barely get to speak with, and lo and behold, I was the first to be called up to perform even though I ultimately wound up being second because I hadn't been warned and I desperately needed to tune my guitar (especially when I naturally tune a little flat, which is odd, considering I have perfect pitch). I then (admittedly nervously) performed a song that was pretty much the antithesis to "Wide Open" - an original piece called "Cold December," which I jokingly said was "one month late" and is much gentler and more melodic by comparison. I got through it with a detuning guitar and people loved it, much to my surprise, claiming that the melody was memorable and my performance was great. My joke about a man dealing with family members coming out of the closet, later on, received more groans than laughter. That's what happens when you volunteer to fill up dead space while someone's preparing to perform next.
I watched the rest of the talent show and thoroughly enjoyed the brilliance of a cellist, a brief yet awesome dance, and several fantastic pieces of written word (which made me question why I hadn't brought my book of poetry, considering how much I put on this blog). Afterward, I mingled a bit, and I have to admit, I was blown away by the kindness, reception, and all-around amazingness that came from my co-workers. People came up and hugged me. One person asked for my number so she could contact me for potential hang-outs. The amount of outward love and appreciation I felt in that room was undeniable, and I walked back to my car whistling and practically floating.
I obviously had not come to the talent show to seek validation - I had come to do what I love and be in the company of people who I genuinely enjoy being with. But the idea that I have a network of people who are so open and so willing to see the good things about me despite my flaws - because let's face it, I have a lot of them, loudness and occasional awkwardness included - just made me feel that much better about myself and the decisions I make for the betterment of myself and others. I truly and sincerely hope that I will be able to see these wonderful people again, perhaps more often than expected, because they provide light to the shadows growing around my walls and permit me to look in the mirror and see someone far more well-regarded than I ever seem to let myself believe.
To anyone from my job who is reading this - thank you for everything. To anyone who I don't know reading this - I wish that you can feel the same positive vibes I feel now. I am more optimistic, level-headed, and confident than I was for a very long time. Let's hope it sticks. It better stick.
Writer's Quotation of the Night:
I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person could be me.
- Anna Quindlen
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone. I'm off for a good night's sleep so I can enjoy a belated birthday breakfast with my father, who deserves it.
That's really the only way I can see it: What a week. In more ways than one. Positive and negative connotations. Both happy moments and very emotional moments. Mostly episodes of massive anxiety, second guessing, and yes, lots and lots of tears.
I had to make some very big decisions this week. After a weekend of looking at teaching credential programs with my very helpful aunt, I chose to push off doing a credential until 2014 after several nights of sobbing and wringing my hands about it. Yes, the decision was hard. Yes, I am genuinely concerned about what my aunt will think. Obviously, the work we did together was not in vain - I'm taking the tests I need to at least work in substitute teaching, and I have all the materials and knowledge necessary to apply for credentials much further in advance. The bottom line is, I shot myself in the foot by not applying sooner and also by not saving enough money to go to school and still be able to pay off my loans and other necessities, all the while shouldering the concerns of forgoing a job for the sake of a full-time education.
I wanted to do a teaching credential sooner. I really did. But the fault is squarely mine. I need to save money, and I want to be closer to my girlfriend. I want to find a way to achieve some form of independence from the little bubble that's been built for me. I don't want to be rushed into things, and I need more time to consider my options. That may seem like skewed priorities to some people, but I still haven't quite found my footing or laid out too sturdy of a foundation yet in my career path. Because of that, I'm not making enough money and as of now, I'm not capable of saving enough money to really allow myself the flexibility to do exactly everything I want. I have a long uphill climb ahead, and I've got to keep myself steady as best as possible even if at the expense of some of my long-term goals.
Another thing that got to me was work. For being a four-day week because of Martin Luther King Day on Monday, it was one of the longest weeks of work that I had ever had. I am working with second graders and fourth graders now, some of them being solely Spanish speakers, on their reading and writing skills. It's an invigorating challenge, but it's also terrifying, especially when I still have twelve girls in my literacy program who seem to be getting sassier and sassier by the day. I want to be able to succeed at my job and I want to be able to show people that I am a solid educator and instructor. But sometimes it's hard to forgive myself for botched lesson plans, days that don't go according to schedule, and other little things I wind up doing that pile up and make me feel...well, a little more than just miffed. Of course, those feelings end up leaking into my life outside work, making me feel as if I am appearing to be off-putting to even my friends and family. Which I certainly don't enjoy.
So that's the negative "What a week" material. The positive "What a week" stuff? Well, that fell mainly to today.
A while back, I signed up to perform at a talent show held by Americorps at Preservation Park in Oakland (this was where I had my orientation sessions for my job). I had previously performed my original song "Wide Open" at the Americorps retreat in Santa Cruz, which broke my dry spell of performing live in front of an audience, was a lot of fun, and got me some generally positive feedback. I came to the talent show knowing that 1. It was my dad's birthday and I was going to at least celebrate a little bit with him that night, and 2. I was going to see a lot of familiar faces. So it was definitely something to look forward to after a very rough week.
I got to Oakland early after a lovely chat with someone who works with GirlSMART and who helped me so much with advice and support with my class, so I was already in good spirits. I did get to see some people who work in other regions and who I barely get to speak with, and lo and behold, I was the first to be called up to perform even though I ultimately wound up being second because I hadn't been warned and I desperately needed to tune my guitar (especially when I naturally tune a little flat, which is odd, considering I have perfect pitch). I then (admittedly nervously) performed a song that was pretty much the antithesis to "Wide Open" - an original piece called "Cold December," which I jokingly said was "one month late" and is much gentler and more melodic by comparison. I got through it with a detuning guitar and people loved it, much to my surprise, claiming that the melody was memorable and my performance was great. My joke about a man dealing with family members coming out of the closet, later on, received more groans than laughter. That's what happens when you volunteer to fill up dead space while someone's preparing to perform next.
I watched the rest of the talent show and thoroughly enjoyed the brilliance of a cellist, a brief yet awesome dance, and several fantastic pieces of written word (which made me question why I hadn't brought my book of poetry, considering how much I put on this blog). Afterward, I mingled a bit, and I have to admit, I was blown away by the kindness, reception, and all-around amazingness that came from my co-workers. People came up and hugged me. One person asked for my number so she could contact me for potential hang-outs. The amount of outward love and appreciation I felt in that room was undeniable, and I walked back to my car whistling and practically floating.
I obviously had not come to the talent show to seek validation - I had come to do what I love and be in the company of people who I genuinely enjoy being with. But the idea that I have a network of people who are so open and so willing to see the good things about me despite my flaws - because let's face it, I have a lot of them, loudness and occasional awkwardness included - just made me feel that much better about myself and the decisions I make for the betterment of myself and others. I truly and sincerely hope that I will be able to see these wonderful people again, perhaps more often than expected, because they provide light to the shadows growing around my walls and permit me to look in the mirror and see someone far more well-regarded than I ever seem to let myself believe.
To anyone from my job who is reading this - thank you for everything. To anyone who I don't know reading this - I wish that you can feel the same positive vibes I feel now. I am more optimistic, level-headed, and confident than I was for a very long time. Let's hope it sticks. It better stick.
Writer's Quotation of the Night:
I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person could be me.
- Anna Quindlen
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone. I'm off for a good night's sleep so I can enjoy a belated birthday breakfast with my father, who deserves it.
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