Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection
Kind of think the obstacles in my life are biting into me pretty hard right now. First, my money situation is far from ideal. Second, applying for teaching credentials is nerve wracking because a) I'm not sure how I can pay for more school, b) I'm not sure how I can travel to said school, and c) I'm not sure if I'll even get a good teaching job from getting a credential. Third, my writing projects haven't exactly gone anywhere and I'm doing abysmally in terms of finding anyone willing to look at my stuff, let alone publish my stuff. Add the unholy trinity to a big cauldron of little annoyances, and bam - you have a very confusing, mind-warping day.
So I got frazzled at work and went home with my head spinning, and yes, I actually began to doubt things I either had never doubted before or things I hadn't doubted in a long time. Namely, the idea that my girlfriend will stay in love with me. My sister has recently been going through some heartbreak, and I think that's been affecting me in more ways than one. Also, my girlfriend and I, despite having a lot in common, are still two very different people: Namely, she's an introvert and I'm an extrovert. I get my energy from socializing; she gets her energy from being alone. I want to hang out with people, get out of the apartment, and move around; she prefers to sit on the couch watching Netflix or knitting in her spare time. Yes, we both work artistically, whether it's theater or writing or art or filming. But we handle things in different ways.
This has, for the most part, never been a problem for me. Sure, sometimes when I go out, I want my girlfriend to come with me. But my top priority is to see her happy, and if she prefers to stay in, she stays in. What irks me more is when people ask me why my girlfriend isn't with me - she's an introvert, for crying out loud. It's just the way she is, and there's nothing wrong with it. So today, my anxious brain decided to kick me repeatedly with its imaginary foot, demanding, "What if there's something wrong with you?"
My mind seriously tried to convince me that because my girlfriend liked being alone (which is actually quite healthy; you don't want to always be around people, even if it's your significant other. You need space. You need you time), it meant she might very well fall out of love with me. Now, this is ridiculous because the dedication we've shown throughout the years is immensely strong. We trekked for two years in a long distance relationship because we loved each other that much. We didn't want to date anyone else, we didn't want to have an open relationship, and we certainly didn't want to give up. Now, as we're living together, we're just getting that much closer. And of course we're still adjusting to seeing each other so much more because about four to five months ago, we were barely seeing each other at all. So why the Hell was my anxious side so hellbent on making me nervous about one of the most secure things I had in my life?
I get it. For the past two weeks, in my introspections, I've discussed my reliance on my girlfriend financially, and I think that has something to do with it. The three things I want the most for my girlfriend is 1. Not for me to be a burden, 2. Not for me to push her into things she doesn't want to do, and 3. For her to be happy. As we cuddled tonight, she had to remind me that I was doing perfectly in all three of those requirements. Yes, sometimes she gets annoyed with me, but that's normal in any typical relationship. It's not all Disneynified, flowery and break-out-into-song-and-dance cuteness. This is real love, which involves trial and error.
In the end, of course, I not only apologized repeatedly for worrying, but also apologized for worrying about worrying. Basically, I felt bad for dragging my girlfriend through my mental muddiness and then got worried that the very act of what I did ruined everything like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Clearly, a lot of things in my life are building up and starting to scrape at my nerves. My future career is uncertain, my writing is unsteady, and I just need to ground myself into something, anything, stable. And to do that, I have to remember that my girlfriend is there for me, not just beside me. I know all too very well how much I love her.
And I know all too very well how much she loves me back.
Writer's Quotation of the Night:
Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.
- Jules Renard
So I got frazzled at work and went home with my head spinning, and yes, I actually began to doubt things I either had never doubted before or things I hadn't doubted in a long time. Namely, the idea that my girlfriend will stay in love with me. My sister has recently been going through some heartbreak, and I think that's been affecting me in more ways than one. Also, my girlfriend and I, despite having a lot in common, are still two very different people: Namely, she's an introvert and I'm an extrovert. I get my energy from socializing; she gets her energy from being alone. I want to hang out with people, get out of the apartment, and move around; she prefers to sit on the couch watching Netflix or knitting in her spare time. Yes, we both work artistically, whether it's theater or writing or art or filming. But we handle things in different ways.
This has, for the most part, never been a problem for me. Sure, sometimes when I go out, I want my girlfriend to come with me. But my top priority is to see her happy, and if she prefers to stay in, she stays in. What irks me more is when people ask me why my girlfriend isn't with me - she's an introvert, for crying out loud. It's just the way she is, and there's nothing wrong with it. So today, my anxious brain decided to kick me repeatedly with its imaginary foot, demanding, "What if there's something wrong with you?"
My mind seriously tried to convince me that because my girlfriend liked being alone (which is actually quite healthy; you don't want to always be around people, even if it's your significant other. You need space. You need you time), it meant she might very well fall out of love with me. Now, this is ridiculous because the dedication we've shown throughout the years is immensely strong. We trekked for two years in a long distance relationship because we loved each other that much. We didn't want to date anyone else, we didn't want to have an open relationship, and we certainly didn't want to give up. Now, as we're living together, we're just getting that much closer. And of course we're still adjusting to seeing each other so much more because about four to five months ago, we were barely seeing each other at all. So why the Hell was my anxious side so hellbent on making me nervous about one of the most secure things I had in my life?
I get it. For the past two weeks, in my introspections, I've discussed my reliance on my girlfriend financially, and I think that has something to do with it. The three things I want the most for my girlfriend is 1. Not for me to be a burden, 2. Not for me to push her into things she doesn't want to do, and 3. For her to be happy. As we cuddled tonight, she had to remind me that I was doing perfectly in all three of those requirements. Yes, sometimes she gets annoyed with me, but that's normal in any typical relationship. It's not all Disneynified, flowery and break-out-into-song-and-dance cuteness. This is real love, which involves trial and error.
In the end, of course, I not only apologized repeatedly for worrying, but also apologized for worrying about worrying. Basically, I felt bad for dragging my girlfriend through my mental muddiness and then got worried that the very act of what I did ruined everything like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Clearly, a lot of things in my life are building up and starting to scrape at my nerves. My future career is uncertain, my writing is unsteady, and I just need to ground myself into something, anything, stable. And to do that, I have to remember that my girlfriend is there for me, not just beside me. I know all too very well how much I love her.
And I know all too very well how much she loves me back.
Writer's Quotation of the Night:
Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.
- Jules Renard
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
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