Friday's Whims of the Time Traveler 53.1: Summer 2009

NOTE: This is the fourth full-act play I ever wrote, at the age of nineteen. While I cannot specifically remember when it was finished, I am going to hazard a guess that I was done with this play by the summer and began writing my fifth full-act play in the winter of 2010 while studying abroad in Ireland. This is Act II of the play. Enjoy.

Can't Hurry Love: A Play In Three Acts
by Belinda Roddie

CAST (in order of appearance)

SAMANTHA “SAM” MELICK, a lesbian novelist

ANDRE GRIFFIN, a bartender-turned actor

AMELIA MELICK, an actress and Sam’s older sister

LESLEY EVERARD, a questioning English university student

MRS. MELICK, Sam and Amelia’s mother

MR. MELICK, Sam and Amelia’s father

SIMON HART, Lesley’s boyfriend

SETTING

A Pub in Yorkshire, England

WRITER’S NOTE: All stage directions and emotions listed in this script are open for suggestion. Altering them should not decrease the caliber of the play, but they should serve as guidelines for the director and the actors. Remember, nothing is set in stone.

Act Two

(Lights come up on a seemingly empty bar, though music is still playing in the background. The sound of rain should be heard in the background as well. AMELIA enters, shaking out a wet umbrella and looking around. She places the umbrella in a pail by the door and sits down at a table before hesitantly going over to the bar. SAM’S head pops up from behind it)

SAM. Hey, sis.

(AMELIA screams and stumbles backward as SAM laughs and fully stands up, cleaning a glass)

AMELIA. What the Hell, Sam?

SAM. Sorry! I thought you saw me!

AMELIA. How could I have seen you?

SAM. Well, I’m not exactly hard to miss. (After AMELIA groans) C’mon, lighten up.

AMELIA.  What’re you doing back there, anyway?

SAM. Oh, Andre went out to re-park his car. Says he accidentally parked in an illegal spot, so he left me to supervise.

AMELIA. When will he be back?

SAM. (Teasingly) Geez, you’re eager. Don’t worry, he’ll be back soon. Just be patient.

AMELIA. (Goes back to sit down) I think I need a drink.

SAM. What’s up with you today? You’re being really moody.

AMELIA. I know.

SAM. Well, stop it, that’s my job.

AMELIA. You’re one to talk! What’s made you so cheery?

SAM. Oh, am I not allowed to be happy? Especially when my sister’s had two marvelous dates with Mister Griffin, and my fingers are all jittery from typing so much.

AMELIA. Typing?

SAM. Yeah. Typing. You know, on a keyboard?

AMELIA. I know what typing is!

SAM. Look, I’m saying I’m writing. And I mean, a lot. And it feels so good! I thought I’d never get so much into this editing. And it’s actually working.

AMELIA. You mean that…

SAM. Yeah, I know, right? I’m actually trying to write that romance stuff that Geoff wants me to do. And you know what? I’m actually not sucking at it! I mean, who would’ve thought?

AMELIA. …Who are you and what have you done to my sister?

(SAM pretends to throw the towel at AMELIA, who ducks as SAM laughs)

SAM. No, seriously, what’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy.

AMELIA. I know, I know. I mean, yeah, Andre and I went to dinner, and it was great.

SAM. Yeah, and then you guys saw a movie, right?

AMELIA. Yeah.

SAM. So what’s the problem? It doesn’t sound like anything’s happened to make you upset.

AMELIA. But that is the problem, Sam. Nothing has happened.

SAM. …What do you mean?

AMELIA. I mean he hasn’t done anything to advance the relationship! Romantically, I mean. He hasn’t held my hand, he’s really awkward when I hug him, he sometimes doesn’t make eye contact with me…

SAM. Oh, c’mon.

AMELIA. No, I’m worried! And the whole time we were watching the movie, I kept thinking something was going to happen between us. Like a spark. But nothing did.

SAM. Amelia, you’ve gone on two dates with him. Two dates! Don’t you think the guy deserves a bit of a break?

AMELIA. Maybe, but I thought I was being so obvious about my feelings for him. I mean, he should have at least held my hand.

SAM. Says who?

AMELIA. Says me!

SAM. Amelia, c’mon. Be sensible.

AMELIA. …Excuse me?

SAM. Look, I know Andre as much as you do. You know that he’s never been in a serious relationship, right? And that he’s only dated two other women?

AMELIA. What are you trying to say?

SAM. I’m saying give him some time. You can’t read him right now, so don’t put thoughts in his head. For all you know, he could be really nervous.

AMELIA. Yeah, or he could be only interested in seeing me as a friend.

SAM. Oh, that’s great. Go with the negative. That’s healthy.

AMELIA. …What the Hell, Sam?

SAM. What? What did I do?

AMELIA. You’re really hassling me.

SAM. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m not trying hassle anyone, okay? I’m just giving you some advice.

AMELIA. Advice? Sam, since when did you give love advice?

SAM. I don’t know, since now?

AMELIA. Well, stop it. All you’re doing is making me feel worse. You’re not an expert on relationships, so stop acting like one. (Stands up)

SAM. Hey, where are you going?

AMELIA. I’ll come back later. Tell Andre I stopped by.

SAM. Oh, c’mon, Amelia, you’re being ridiculous!

AMELIA. (Fiercely) Tell him I stopped by

(As she nears the exit, ANDRE enters, and the two stop and stare at each other)

ANDRE. Hey, Amelia.

AMELIA. Hey. Did you park your car?

ANDRE. Oh, Sam told you, huh?

AMELIA. …Yeah. She filled me in.

(ANDRE Shakes his umbrella out and sets it in the pail as AMELIA goes to a table)

ANDRE. Wait, weren’t you just leaving?

AMELIA. Oh…uh…yeah, I thought I had to check on something. But I just remembered that I don’t have to.

SAM. (Muttering) Bullshit.

AMELIA. (Hissing) Shut up.

ANDRE. Sam, you didn’t annoy your sister again, did you?

SAM. Gee, sorry, Dad. I’ll do better next time.

AMELIA. Knock it off.

ANDRE. (Takes the towel from SAM) Here, I’ll take this. Thanks for watching the place while I was gone.

SAM. Oh, don’t mention it. Just be grateful patrons didn’t march in demanding drinks.

AMELIA. Why, because you’d screw up all the orders?

SAM. …More like I’m not licensed to serve alcohol, but yeah, sure. (Heads to a stool) Get me something other than a cider today, Andre.

ANDRE. Like what?

SAM. I don’t know. Surprise me.

AMELIA. Get her a Cosmopolitan, Andre.

SAM. (Through clenched teeth) I will kill you.

ANDRE. How about I bring out some bottles and see what you want?

SAM. Yeah, sure, whatever.

(ANDRE starts taking some bottles from the cabinet and lining them up)

AMELIA. And you say I’m riled up.

SAM. Stop it.

AMELIA. Now hold on a minute. My sister doesn’t evade statements like that. Where’s the usual witty retort?

SAM. Amelia, c’mon.

AMELIA. No, no. First it’s the cheerfulness. Then you tell me you’ve been writing a lot. Then you’re giving me advice on something that you’ve never been that interested in, and then you get all pissy and try to ignore me.

SAM. I’m not being pissy.

ANDRE. All right, what are you guys bickering about now?

AMELIA. I think someone here is hiding a teeny little something from us.

SAM. No, I’m not.

AMELIA. Yes, you are.

SAM. Am not.

ANDRE. Seriously, what’s going on?

SAM. Nothing, okay? Nothing’s going on. Amelia’s just hassling me.

AMELIA. Yeah, for a reason.

SAM. Well, stop it, it’s not cool. Here, I’ll have some of the Merlot.

(She pours herself a glass and heads over to a table facing away from AMELIA and ANDRE. AMELIA and ANDRE exchange a look as SAM drinks and drags a bag out from under the chair, lifting out her laptop. She opens it and, instead of typing, starts clicking on the mouse pad. AMELIA puts a finger to her lips and sneaks over behind SAM, looking over her shoulder)

SAM. (Finally notices) Hey, what the –

AMELIA. Oh my God. Are you serious?

SAM. (Tries to push AMELIA away) Go away!

AMELIA. Andre, you have to see this!

SAM. (Tries to close her laptop) No! Leave me alone! (When AMELIA grabs her laptop) Give that back! You’re being a bitch!

(But AMELIA is seated at another table as ANDRE rushes over to look)

ANDRE. Hey, is that the girl who keeps coming to the bar these days?

AMELIA. Yeah!

SAM. Give me back my laptop!

AMELIA. (Teasingly) I think someone has a crush.

SAM. Damn it, Amelia, I do not!

AMELIA. Then why are you looking at her Facebook profile?

SAM. She’s a friend, okay? That’s it!

ANDRE. Huh, looks like she’s in a relationship with a guy named Simon Hart.

SAM. See? She’s straight, anyway. Now give me back my laptop.

AMELIA. Oh, c’mon, Sam. That’s it? Really?

SAM. Yeah. That’s it. Really.

(AMELIA, defeated, hands over the laptop. SAM snatches it away and grabs her drink)

ANDRE. Leave it alone, Amelia.

AMELIA. Fine. But I don’t just sit around staring at a friend’s profile for that long.

SAM. Would you stop it? (After a tense silence, stands up and walks over to AMELIA and ANDRE) I’m just worried about her, that’s all.

AMELIA. Oh, worried, huh?

SAM. Yeah, worried! I have a right to be worried about a friend.

ANDRE. What are you worried about?

SAM. I don’t know. A lot of things.

AMELIA. Like what?

SAM. It’s just…I don’t know if her relationship with Simon is very healthy.

AMELIA. Oh, there she goes again, obsessing over relationships.

SAM. I’m not obsessing over it! If you guys were talking to her, you would’ve noticed something, too!

ANDRE. Well, what’s the problem? Do you think Simon’s abusive?

SAM. Well, I wasn’t thinking it was that extreme. I mean, Lesley doesn’t seem too out of it when she comes to the bar.

ANDRE. Then what do you think it is?

SAM. Well, it’s like this. Most of the time I talk to her, she’s fine, you know? She’s cheerful, she’s enthusiastic. But then I start talking about certain things like romance and relationships and she gets a lot quieter, especially when I…

AMELIA. Let me guess. When you mention Simon.

SAM. Yeah. Pretty much.

AMELIA. Well, that doesn’t sound good. How exactly does she react? Well, besides getting quiet.

SAM. She just…sort of shuts down. I mean, she has nice things to say about Simon, don’t get me wrong, but they seem kind of forced. And she never brings him to the bar.

ANDRE. Sounds like she’s trying to escape from him.

SAM. Well, I’m not trying to be that analytical. I don’t know enough.

AMELIA. Yeah, there could be a lot of reasons why Lesley’s acting like this. Maybe she just needs a bit more space from the guy.

SAM. Yeah, she did mention how Simon normally goes everywhere with her.

ANDRE. Well, I’m with you, Sam. I hope she’s okay, too. A tense relationship is never good to be around, and unfortunately, there seem to be a lot more of those lately.

SAM. Well, not all relationships are unhealthy. Some just need a little push, if you know what I mean.

(ANDRE and AMELIA look at SAM, then at each other)

AMELIA. Are you sure you’re not hiding anything from us?

SAM. Positive. I mean, look at me. What secrets could I possibly have?

ANDRE. She’s got a point, Amelia. You’re talking to your openly gay sister.

AMELIA. Well, yeah, but…

SAM. (Throws an arm around AMELIA) C’mon, sis, you know I haven’t been in a relationship for years. Remember the day I tried to bring a girl home?

AMELIA. You mean Hannah from biology class in high school? Yeah, I remember that. She was a really sweet girl.

SAM. Yeah, and you wonder why I wanted to be with her. She was a girl who was comfortable with who she was, and damn, were her parents cool about it.

ANDRE. You gotta love liberal families, am I right?

SAM. Hell, yeah. Unlike one particular parental unit…

AMELIA. Oh, God, you’re not going to recap the whole thing, are you?

SAM. Depends. Want to hear it, Andre?

ANDRE. I wouldn’t mind. Sounds like this is one story you forgot to tell me.

SAM. All right, then! (In old lady voice) Settle down, little ones. Granny’s going to have a little story time with you!

(AMELIA smacks SAM on the shoulder as she sits down on the bar stool and SAM remains standing, while the silhouettes of MR. AND MRS. MELICK appear in the background)

SAM. So it all started with a simple notion, about a year after I oh-so-dramatically told my parents my true feelings. Just a simple request, asking hey, can I bring a girl home to meet the family? Well, my friends, it was like tapping into a bomb.

AMELIA. (Stands up and walks over to SAM) A nuclear bomb, more specifically.

SAM. (Takes a chair and sits down) Yes, and I ended up losing a shitload of brain cells in the process. I remember the whole confrontation going a little something…uh-like-this.

(She snaps her fingers and the lights come up on her, AMELIA, MRS. MELICK, and MR. MELICK)

MRS. MELICK. You have got some nerve, Samantha!

SAM. Okay, you know what? Forget it. Forget I even mentioned it.

MR. MELICK. Cindy, there’s no reason to react so badly to this.

MRS. MELICK. Stay out of this, Frank! A girl, Samantha? What, a little lesbian friend you can (strains to say it) ‘make out with’ at the table? Hold her hand or whatever?

SAM. Okay, you are officially insane.

AMELIA. Oh, Sam, don’t.

SAM. I mean, seriously, make out with her at the table? I’m a lesbian, not a horny bitch!

MRS. MELICK. Don’t you dare use that language on me again, young lady! Now, your father and I are already trying to deal with the very fact that you are…what you are…

MR. MELICK. Sam, I can tell you right now that I’m fine with it. Always have been.

MRS. MELICK. I said be quiet, Frank!

SAM. Well, Mom, if ignoring me or calling me names every day is dealing with my sexuality, then you’re doing a very good job in that regard.

MRS. MELICK. Don’t you talk back to me!

SAM. Don’t you act like this is my fault! It’s not, okay?

MRS. MELICK. Maybe your ‘tendencies’ aren’t your fault, but you can at least act like a normal human being!

SAM. Are you serious? You want me to live a lie?

AMELIA. Mom, listen to her.

MR. MELICK. Cindy, please. Sam has a point. We may as well respect her wishes.

MRS. MELICK. I won’t hear of it! It is absolutely despicable that you even suggest bringing a girl over to my house. Now you either forget all this and find a sensible man to be with, or you can say goodbye to living here!

SAM. Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. Now you’re threatening to kick me out? Fantastic, Mom.

MRS. MELICK. You are only bringing this upon yourself, Samantha!

SAM. Oh, really? What’s next, are you going to hit me over the head with the fucking Bible?

MRS. MELICK. You cuss at me one more time, and you can stay somewhere else for the night!

AMELIA. Mom, no!

MRS. MELICK. And as for you, Amelia, you can stop your endless support of this nonsense right now. It’s wrong, and I won’t have your sister corrupting you like this!

MR. MELICK. Excuse me, Cindy, but Amelia’s not the only one here defending Samantha. And let me remind you that this is my house as well, I’m bringing in the check and Sam can stay as long as she wishes!

MRS. MELICK. Oh, there you go, Frank, attempting to be the boss of the household. Let me remind you, mister, that I brought some discipline into this place, and I will not see it crumble just because you cater to this crude behavior!

SAM. (Hits herself repeatedly on the head with her palm) How did I end up coming out of your womb?

MRS. MELICK. (Grabs SAM’S wrist) Are you listening to me, Samantha? I will not have you tainting this family with your…your…

SAM. Homosexuality, Mom. Say it slowly. Ho-mo-sex-u-al-i –

(MRS. MELICK slaps SAM as AMELIA gasps. SAM jumps up from the chair)

SAM. You insane bitch!

MRS. MELICK. All right, that’s it! Get out! Now!

AMELIA. Don’t let her get away with this, Dad!

MR. MELICK. What do you want me to do, Amelia? Get a whip? I’m doing the best I can!

MRS. MELICK. Enough! All of you! I want a normal, healthy family, and by God, I’m going to make sure we have one!

SAM. Great, just because I wanted you to meet someone I truly care about…

MRS. MELICK. Well, I won’t stand for it, Samantha. I won’t stand for your dirty mouth and your dirty desires. You are not bringing any girl home, and you will not further upset the stability of this household! Now get out!

SAM. Fine! I’ll stay at Hannah’s place for the night! At least her parents will treat me like a human being! Fucker!

(She flips MRS. MELICK off with both fingers as MR. MELICK heads toward her, but AMELIA blocks his way as SAM heads over to the edge of the stage, then turns as if eavesdropping)

AMELIA. Let her go, Dad.

MR. MELICK. She doesn’t have to leave.

MRS. MELICK. What did I say, Frank?

AMELIA. Just leave her alone. It won’t help anything now.

(MR. MELICK gives in, and AMELIA looks the other way)

AMELIA. I want this family to stay intact. And I’m sorry, Mom, but all you’re doing is breaking it apart.

MRS. MELICK. Your sister is –

AMELIA. You are breaking it apart. Okay? (Pause) Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go spend a few hours with some friends.

MR. MELICK. (Gently) When will you be back?

AMELIA. I don’t know.

MRS. MELICK. Give me a call if it gets late.

AMELIA. Don’t count on it.

(She heads in SAM’S direction, where the two exchange looks silently before the lights fully come up and they both look at ANDRE, who has been watching with interest the entire time)

ANDRE. Wow.

SAM. Yep. Turns out Hannah transferred to a different school a few months later. Kids at school found out about us, and…well, let’s just say I now know what Hell’s like.

ANDRE. That’s crazy.

SAM. I know, right? My life is a fucking soap opera.

AMELIA. You know how I used to get sick really easily back home? And I used to wonder why.

ANDRE. Well, I understand why you came here more and more these days, Sam. But I have to say, England is a pretty extreme way to get away from home.

SAM. Hey, I wasn’t going to stay anywhere closer. Not when my mom could track me down and burn me at the stake like I was a witch.

ANDRE. It’s funny to think about why we’re all here, really, in the same place.

SAM. You mean why we’re all here in England?

ANDRE. Yeah. It’s interesting.

SAM. Well, for Amelia and me, it’s pretty straightforward. I mean, I came here to escape from an abusive mother who treated my father like a pussy and me like an abomination. Amelia decided to come with me and support me while she found acting gigs here. We thought we’d stay in London because, you know, it’s London, but then we found other places to live and do what we loved.

AMELIA. And obviously that plan’s worked pretty well for both of us.

ANDRE. Hey, sometimes, big moves bring big rewards.

SAM. What about you, though?

ANDRE. Huh?

SAM. Why did you come to England? I mean, you’ve performed with Amelia, so maybe acting’s the reason.

ANDRE. Yeah, I’m here for pretty much the same reason Amelia’s here.

SAM. Gotta love the English theater.

ANDRE. Well, they liked me. And then I wanted to try something new. I’ve always been like that, wanting to dabble in everything before I faded out of existence, you know?

AMELIA. I miss your acting, though.

ANDRE. Maybe later in life, I’ll go back to performing. The British love the middle-aged American man playing all the angry roles.

SAM. C’mon, there’s gotta be something else. I mean, you came from Washington, for crying out loud. That place has got some great theater.

ANDRE. I know, I know, but…maybe we’re all here for the same basic reason.

SAM. What do you mean?

ANDRE. You know…to escape. To try something new. To experience something different.

AMELIA. Yeah…and to think, if we didn’t all do that, all three of us wouldn’t be here.

SAM. Three Americans all in the same English town. You gotta love it.

AMELIA. (Walks over to ANDRE and grabs his wrist) C’mon, I’ll have a drink. Let’s toast to something.

ANDRE. (Hesitates but fully takes AMELIA’S hand) Sure, what’ll it be?

AMELIA. (Stutters when she sees her hand is being held) Well…what you always make me. A really good P.S. I Love You.

ANDRE. Perfect. I’ll get on that now.

(He goes to mix the drink as AMELIA and SAM stare at each other and react in girlish excitement. As ANDRE mixes, he pauses for a minute and then goes to where the CD player is hidden behind the bar. He clicks some buttons, and the Supremes’ “You Can’t Hurry Love” starts to play on the stereo)

AMELIA. Oh, I love this song! I didn’t know you had it on CD.

ANDRE. Course I do. I have my weaknesses, too. Just don’t tell my guy friends.

SAM. (Rushes to the bar and grabs the bottle of Merlot that’s still in the open, filling her glass and a glass for ANDRE) C’mon, a toast to us sticking around here – and to Diana Ross, I guess.

ANDRE. (Brings out the P.S. I Love You for AMELIA) Sam, I don’t drink wine.

SAM. Oh, c’mon, wine’s great. It’ll make you feel like a gentleman.

ANDRE. And that’s supposed to appeal to me?

SAM. You’ll like it, damn it.

(The three take their drinks and clink their glasses together before sipping. AMELIA begins to move to the beat and sing along to the music, as SAM taps her foot and bobs her head. ANDRE can no longer stand just staying behind the bar and heads over to AMELIA, taking her hands and starting to dance with her)

SAM. Whoa, look at you two go!

AMELIA. I didn’t know you danced, Andre!

ANDRE. Actually, I love dancing. I just can’t dance well. Or publicly, for that matter.

SAM. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you guys.

AMELIA. You are such a liar.

SAM. No, I’m serious!

(SAM begins to sing along with AMELIA, and ANDRE and AMELIA dance while SAM sings and watches with amusement. After a while, LESLEY enters, wet and shivering)

SAM. Lesley!

LESLEY. Hey, guys.

SAM. Oh my God, you’re soaked! What happened?

LESLEY. Forgot an umbrella.

SAM. Get in here! Get that coat off, you’re gonna freeze your ass off! Andre, get her something warm to drink!

ANDRE. Like what? A hot toddy?

SAM. Yes, a hot toddy! And come to think of it, I could use one myself.

ANDRE. Hold on, let me get some cider from the back.

(ANDRE turns off the stereo and exits, while AMELIA helps LESLEY out of her coat and hangs it up. SAM sits LESLEY down at the table)

SAM. Are you all right?

LESLEY. Yeah. Just wet.

SAM. Well, don’t do that again. I don’t want you to get sick.

AMELIA. (Pulls off her coat) Here, you can wear my coat if you want.

LESLEY. No, no, it’s fine. Thanks, anyway.

AMELIA. Are you sure?

LESLEY. I can handle the cold. I’m just glad to be here.

SAM. Well, I’m glad you’re here, too. (When AMELIA looks at her) Well, I mean, I’m glad you’re safe. You didn’t walk all the way over here, did you? (When LESLEY slowly nods) Are you kidding me?

LESLEY. Walked five blocks.

SAM. Without an umbrella? What were you thinking?

AMELIA. Sam, I don’t think she needs a second mother right now.

SAM. I know, I know. I’m sorry. I was just worried, that’s all.

LESLEY. I’m all right with that. It’s nice to have people taking care of me.

SAM. Well, I’m sure Simon does that, too, obviously. (LESLEY is silent, to AMELIA) See what I mean?

AMELIA. Yeah. Yeah, I do.

(ANDRE enters with a steaming hot toddy and sets it down by LESLEY)

ANDRE. Here, I took the time to mix it and heat it up in the back.

LESLEY. Oh, thank you.

ANDRE. (Looks at SAM) Oh, shoot, I forgot to make you one, too. Here, I’ll go do that.

SAM. It’s okay. I don’t care.

AMELIA. I dunno, I could at least use some cider.

ANDRE. What about your P.S. I Love You?

AMELIA. (Downs the rest of it) All gone. C’mon, let’s go look at the inventory together. Maybe you can teach me how to mix some drinks.

ANDRE. Are you sure? I can just teach you here.

AMELIA. Well, you’ve got stuff in the back, right? Besides, (whispering) I think we should leave these two alone.

ANDRE. …Ah. Well, then. (To SAM) You’ll take care of her, right?

SAM. Sure thing. You guys “enjoy yourselves.”

(AMELIA playfully shoves SAM as she follows ANDRE offstage)

SAM. (To LESLEY) Now, drink your hot toddy. Don’t make me drink it. I’ve had enough wine today.

LESLEY. What happened to the obligatory glass of Strongbow?

SAM. Eh, I’m breaking tradition for once. Come on, drink up.

LESLEY. (Drinks) Ah, that’s good. I needed something like this.

SAM. What do you mean?

LESLEY. Oh, it’s just…it’s been a rough day, Weather-wise and all that.

SAM. Just weather-wise? You look like you’ve been hit by a bus.

LESLEY. What, is it that bad?

SAM. Well, no, it’s just…you look really tired. I mean, really worn out.

LESLEY. Oh. Sorry, I don’t try to be.

SAM. Has something been bothering you lately?

LESLEY. No, I’m fine.

SAM. Look, I’m being serious when I say you can tell me whatever you want. I mean, anything that’s on your mind, anything that’s really getting to you.

LESLEY. I know.

SAM. Okay, I’m just saying. You’re not just a fan to me. You’re a friend.

LESLEY. Thank you, Sam. That does mean a lot coming from you.

SAM. Good, I’m glad. Now, why don’t you settle down and…you know what? I’ll even give you a sneak peek at my future book.

LESLEY. Really? A sneak peek, just for me?

SAM. No, I’m just fucking with you. Yes, really.

LESLEY. That’s so sweet of you! Thank you!

SAM. I wouldn’t use the word sweet to describe me, but you’re welcome. Just don’t tell anyone you saw it, okay?

LESLEY. Oh, I’d never do that. I’m not one of those types who leak out information on the web or whatever.

SAM. (Whispers) Don’t tell anyone that Snape kills Dumbledore on page 594.

LESLEY. (Gasps) The horror!

SAM. (Laughs) Okay, well, I trust you. (Opens up her laptop) Let’s see here…wait for this to load…ah, there we go.

LESLEY. Wow, that’s a lot of red text.

SAM. Rewrites and revisions, all that fun stuff. Gotta please the editor, you know. …Want me to read some out loud to you?

LESLEY. Well, sure! I’d love that! God, this is so cool.

SAM. Yeah, think of it as one of those sneak previews for movies. Because I am just that exciting. (LESLEY giggles) Okay, here’s a good part. (Clears her throat) “I agreed to hold the cast party at my place because it had a great view and overlooked a swimming pool. We set up tables with crystalline bottles all lined up in military rows, and we were drill sergeants assigned to break those bottles open and lap up the entrails. I kept one bottle to myself: Amaretto, a drink of love, of some leftover desire I could enjoy. That actress was one of the last to arrive, and I could tell in the midst of swelling words in a warm living room that she was getting bored.

            “‘Had anything to drink?’ I asked as soon as I was in earshot of her. She turned to look at me, screwed up her face at the sight of me, that playwright, that broad-shouldered playwright with the tousled brown hair and the gray jacket with the zipper and those men’s jeans. She disapproved of my presence before she even made it clear vocally.

            “‘What have you got?” she asked. I introduced her to the bottle of Amaretto like it was an old acquaintance of mine, filled two glasses, and toasted to her acting. ‘Think of it as warm cherry cola,’ I told her; that’s how some of my college friends described it, and it worked for the situation. ‘It’s a sweet liqueur. I’m sure you’ll like it.’

            “She sniffed the Amaretto and frowned. ‘Smells like candy,’ she said, then sipped. Puckered her lips. ‘Tastes like cough medicine.’

            “‘Two of the finer things in life,’ I smirked as I tilted my glass and let the amber flow.”

(Depending on how long LESLEY takes to lift up her sleeve to scratch an itch, SAM may not get through the entire excerpt. As LESLEY pulls up her sleeve, SAM notices something, tries to ignore it and keep reading, and then stops and looks again)

SAM. Okay, what is that? (As LESLEY reacts) No, don’t pull your sleeve back down, show me.

LESLEY. It’s just a bruise.

SAM. Yeah, and a stab wound’s just a pinprick. C’mon, Lesley. (Pulls back the sleeve again and looks at the large black and blue mark on LESLEY’S arm) Jesus Christ. How did you get this?

LESLEY. I banged my arm against the doorknob. It’s really nothing.

SAM. Okay, if that’s really what happened, then that doorknob was trying to pull your arm off. (LESLEY doesn’t reply) Tell me the truth.

LESLEY. Sam, please.

SAM. Simon did this to you, didn’t he? Be honest. Did he do this?

LESLEY. It’s none of your business.

SAM. None of my business? Lesley, I’m a friend!

LESLEY. It’s still none of your business! Look, I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong.

SAM. Okay, the fact that you just said it was none of my business completely cancels out any suggestion that you’re “fine.” …Did Simon hurt you?

LESLEY. No, okay? He didn’t mean to! He was just…

SAM. Just what?

LESLEY. He saw me leaving to go to the bar again…and he got mad. He thought I was avoiding him.

SAM. So he’s clingy.

LESLEY. No, no, he really isn’t.

SAM. C’mon, Lesley. All the evidence is against him. He travels everywhere with you, he literally holds onto you until you tear yourself away…

LESLEY. No, he didn’t –

SAM. That’s how you got this bruise on your arm, isn’t it? He’s clingy, literally and figuratively.

LESLEY. Sam, stop it. You’ve never met him, don’t judge him.

SAM. I’ll let the bruise judge for me.

LESLEY. Look, you don’t know enough, okay? Besides, Simon would say he’s justified.

SAM. He can justify hurting you?

LESLEY. That’s not what I meant. Sam, I’m really happy to know you, and I admire you so much, but you can’t act like this is a story you’re writing.

SAM. I’m not trying to write anything!

LESLEY. (Desperately) Then you can’t judge Simon! Okay? He’s not a character! You don’t know everything about him. You don’t know who he really is, and come to think of it, you don’t know who I really am! So stop acting like you understand everything, because you don’t!

SAM. …What do you want me to do?

LESLEY. I just want you to have a nice chat with me. We’ll talk about your book because I love what you’re doing with so far. I’m already interested in seeing you finish it. Then I’ll have my hot toddy, and we’ll talk about anything you want…as long as it’s not about Simon. Okay? Can we just do that?

SAM. …I don’t know, Lesley. I really don’t know.

LESLEY. (Hesitantly) Sam, I…

(They are interrupted when SIMON walks in, looking genuinely worried)

SIMON. Lesley. Oh, thank God.

LESLEY. Simon? What are you doing here?

SAM. Oh, no.

SIMON. Your mum told me this was the place you liked. I wanted to make sure you were okay. (Goes to embrace LESLEY, but she instinctively recoils) I know you’re angry with me. Let me make it up to you.

LESLEY. Not now. I need to cool off.

SIMON. (Pleading) C’mon, sweetie. I feel awful. I mean, really awful. Let’s just go home and fix this, okay? Here, let me take a look at your arm.

LESLEY. I said not now. I like it here, anyway. Just give me some time.

SIMON. …Well, this seems like a nice enough place. Maybe I’ll stay here and have a drink with you.  (Heads over to the bar) Hey, barman! Mind getting me a drink?

SAM. (Gets up) Maybe you should just leave. Okay? Just go home.

SIMON. …And who might you be?

SAM. Look, she just asked you very nicely to leave her alone. And I think you should listen to her. Okay?

LESLEY. Sam, don’t get involved.

SAM. Quiet, Lesley, I’m handling this. Listen, I don’t know you well enough to come to any conclusions about you, but I think you could respect your girlfriend’s wishes, right? Now c’mon, there’s the door.

SIMON. Who the fuck do you think you are?

LESLEY. (Walks over) Seriously, leave him alone. (To SIMON) I’m sorry, Simon, this is Samantha Melick. She’s a friend of mine.

SIMON. Oh…oh, you’re that author she’s been telling me about, huh? Well, Miss Melick, why don’t you stick to your books and I’ll take care of my relationship. Got it?

SAM. Hey, I don’t want to cause any trouble. I just thought that Lesley –

SIMON. Oh, you just thought, didn’t you? Well, you keep out of my business! I’ll take care of my shit, and you take care of your shit.

SAM. (To LESLEY) Well, that’s a funny way to say it, isn’t it? You must be the shit he has to take care of.

LESLEY. That’s not what he meant.

SIMON. And you don’t talk to her, all right? I don’t like her, so you stay the fuck away from her.

LESLEY. Simon, she’s my friend!

SIMON. Oh, right, a friend. Just like all the other girls you’ve become “friends” with at your university. Just like all the “friends” you’ve made to get away from me.

SAM. Wait, what?

SIMON. I mean, what’s next, Lesley? I know you’re not telling me something. What’s the real reason you keep coming here, huh? For the drinks? Or to find someone new?

LESLEY. Simon, stop it.

SAM. Look, I don’t know what you’re trying to accuse her of, but I don’t like it one bit.

SIMON. I said fuck off, you stupid dyke!

(As he says this, MRS. MELICK appears in the shadows)

SAM. …Excuse me?

SIMON. You heard me. Don’t fuck around with my girlfriend. She doesn’t need people like you ruining her life!

MRS. MELICK. We don’t need anyone else here supporting this depravity.

SAM. I’m not ruining anything! I’m just her friend!

SIMON. Yeah, yeah, sure. Just a friend, huh, trying to take Lesley away from me. Is that it? Is that what you’re trying to do?

LESLEY. Simon, that’s enough!

MRS. MELICK. We don’t need any more queers around our household!

SAM. (Visibly manic) Stop it, stop it, stop it.

SIMON. Well, Miss Melick? Why don’t you write a book about that, huh? Why don’t you write about how you’re screwing up my relationship, about how you’re screwing with the girl I love, you goddamn –

(SAM lashes out, striking SIMON in the jaw and pushing him into a table as MRS. MELICK disappears. A scuffle ensues between them as ANDRE and AMELIA rush out, ANDRE grabbing SIMON and pulling him away as AMELIA grabs SAM)

ANDRE. Stop it! Stop it now!

AMELIA. What the Hell is going on?

SAM. I’m going to kick your ass, you son of a bitch!

ANDRE. All right, that’s enough! (Releasing SIMON) You get out.

SIMON. What the Hell? She started it!

ANDRE. I don’t care who started it, get out of here. Now.

SIMON. (Goes over to LESLEY, who is at a corner table) C’mon, sweetie, let’s go.

LESLEY. I don’t want to go.

SIMON. Please,!

LESLEY. I said no!

(SIMON grabs her already bruised arm, and LESLEY yelps. ANDRE walks over, grabs SIMON, and drags him screaming and hollering offstage. AMELIA lets go of SAM and looks at her)

AMELIA. What were you thinking?

SAM. Leave me alone.

AMELIA. But Sam –

SAM. I said leave me alone.

AMELIA. …Fine. I’ll go help Andre.

(AMELIA exits, though she keeps sending looks back at SAM. SAM straightens herself out and goes over to LESLEY)

SAM. Lesley, I’m sorry –

(She is cut off when LESLEY embraces SAM, burying her face into her shoulder and sobbing. SAM awkwardly returns the hug at first, then actually fully embraces LESLEY)

LESLEY. This is all my fault.

SAM. No, it’s not. It’s my fault. And Simon was –

LESLEY. No! You still don’t know enough. He wouldn’t be like this if it weren’t for me. Simon is such a sweet guy, and so loving, and so compassionate…

SAM. But Lesley, guys can use a façade to hide a more abusive side. You should understand that even more than I do.

LESLEY.  Don’t you get it? Weren’t you listening to him?

SAM. Well, sorry. It’s hard to listen to someone who calls me derogatory names.

LESLEY. …But you heard…?

SAM. I heard something about making friends with other girls, but I…(sudden realization) Oh, my God.

(LESLEY tries to pull herself together as SAM stands up and takes a few steps away)

SAM. You’re questioning, aren’t you? (As LESLEY tries to speak) And don’t argue with me. That’s what Simon was talking about, wasn’t he? (Rushes back to LESLEY) Why didn’t you tell me?

LESLEY. I didn’t think it was a big deal. I thought it was just a phase I could get over. I never thought that it’d stick around.

SAM. No, Lesley. Bi-curiosity or questioning doesn’t just go away. Trust me, I know from experience. (Sits down beside LESLEY) When did it start?

LESLEY. Two years ago. At college. Well, that was when I first noticed it.

SAM. It was happening earlier, wasn’t it?

LESLEY. Maybe, but if that’s true, then I never noticed it. I always…I always called them fascinations. Like when I looked at girls, I just blamed it on the fact that I didn’t have a lot of female friends. I thought that I just wanted to acquaint myself with them more. I didn’t think…

SAM. That you’d actually be attracted to them? …It’s okay, you can be honest. I’m a lesbian, for God’s sake. I know all the steps.

LESLEY. I just wanted it to go away. I wanted a nice, safe relationship. That’s why I got together with Simon. He’s been my friend for years. We knew each other in secondary school. And then he kept visiting me at university and I thought I loved him. But every day, I keep wondering if I’m lying to myself, if I’m hurting him. And I am hurting him.

SAM. Don’t blame yourself for his behavior.

LESLEY. But I have to. It’s all my confusion that’s pulling us apart. He wants to stay close to me because he’s worried I’ll do something stupid or something I’ll regret. Sam, I just hate wondering. I hate wondering if I’m gay or bi or whatever. I wish I could just know, so I can enjoy my life and be happy with myself.

SAM. Then make sure.

LESLEY. What?

SAM. Find out if you’re gay or not.

LESLEY. But how? I can’t just go up to any girl and kiss them! I don’t experiment like that! It’s not that easy.

SAM. Well, I didn’t say go make out with strangers on the street, I just said…

LESLEY. Look, you know who you are. That’s why I like you. That’s why I love your books because you’re so confident, and you’re so sure of yourself and what you want. And I wish I could be more like you and be able to live every day knowing who I was and what I was looking for!

SAM. Don’t give me that much credit, Lesley. I’m not that confident at all.

LESLEY. Well, you’re more confident than I am! What am I going to do, Sam? I’m ruining the only good relationship I’ve had, I’m risking being shunned by my friends, I’m worried I’ll be some circus freak, and it’s all so stupid and I know I shouldn’t worry about it so much, but damn it, I’m worrying!

SAM. (Getting closer to LESLEY) Lesley…

LESLEY. I mean, every day I try not to think about it, but it keeps eating me alive, and people would say, “Oh, no big deal, Lesley, you’ll grow out of it, you’ll be fine,” but I’m twenty years old, I should be done with this by now and I’m still being tormented by whether or not I know who I really am!

SAM. Lesley, breathe…

LESLEY. (Now completely rambling) I’m a mess! I’m a mess and I can’t do anything about it and I don’t know what I –

(SAM cuts LESLEY off by passionately kissing her. LESLEY tries to speak but lets the kiss last a while before SAM pulls away, gasping for air)

SAM. There. Now you tell me what you are. …Lesley? Lesley, are you okay?

(LESLEY begins to cry. SAM tries to embrace her, but she pulls away)

LESLEY. Don’t touch me!

SAM. Oh, God, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset, I was just trying to help!

LESLEY. You shouldn’t have done that, Sam…you really shouldn’t have done that!

(LESLEY runs offstage, with SAM running after her)

SAM. Lesley! Lesley, wait!

(Lights go out on the empty bar)

END ACT TWO

The work you see here has not been edited nor altered since the summer of 2009.