Tonight's Poet Corner: A Formal Break-Up Letter

A Formal Break-Up Letter
by Belinda Roddie

Dear Sir or Madam:

We deeply regret to inform you
that your mental state is deteriorating,
and your "love" no longer needed.

This decision was made after some months
of deliberation, pertaining to various factors
of efficiency, personal needs, and
the weighing of risk factors in continuing
a relationship that no longer benefits either
party, no matter how misguided one party's
opinion might be. What you should know:
You are no longer deemed a good fit
for the position, which may or may not
remain vacant in the near future.

There is a surplus of genuine inner
passion that will easily surpass
your skill set and work ethic. No longer
do we require your imploring orations,
"sincere" perspectives, or physical "prowess"
when it comes to everything romance. This
letter also dismisses the following:

Pizza crumbs in the sofa that you
refuse to clean; offhanded comments
regarding our sister's weight or hair;
long nights out with the boys only to find
that there are lipstick stains on your newest

shirt; passive aggression with chores, passive
aggression with cooking; passive aggression
with pretty much everything else we request;
and finally, perhaps your most attuned skill,
the art of ignoring us when we ask
only that you listen when we need to vent
our honest frustrations regarding life and
the darts it sometimes throws at us.

If you would please leave your key
and keep all nervous breakdowns outside
the building, we would greatly appreciate it.
Do not call us. Do not email us. We will
alert authorities if you are to trespass
on our official property again.

We wish you nothing but the best in
your future endeavors, though we cannot,
in good conscience, provide you with
a letter of recommendation. However, there
is always a chance to receive a fully written
evaluation, citing areas in which you need
improvement. A little less self-focus and
a little more outward thinking could take you
a long way in your next steps toward success.

Signed, with nothing but the most
endearing apology and hope,
your former lover

P.S. Please call your mother. She
would like to discuss her disappointment
with your recent communications with her.