Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection
This has been a really rough beginning of the year.
Don't get me wrong, there are lots of good things that have been happening for me. I'm enjoying my student teaching and getting a lot of work done. I was able to get my training done for my official teaching job (I've been doing that for nine months, so best to get the orientation out of the way now). I love the fact that I can express my opinion about my work environment and strategies to improve the place I work at without getting reprimanded or dismissed (I know, my higher ups value my opinion. What a concept, huh?). I'm still consistently writing, and a lot is falling into place for my wedding; for example, I got to go to an amazing store for my suit fitting and wound up being treated like royalty there.
That being said, a lot of difficult things have happened and been thrown either my way or a loved one's way. Besides just the toxic political environment (Can Donald Trump just go away already?), the multiple celebrity deaths, and the overall culture of an angry yet misguided country, this year has just...well, like I said in last week's introspection, it hadn't gone well.
For example, my university supervisor this week decided she didn't want to be my university supervisor after all. Not because of anything I did, mind you; she was also supposed to supervise another colleague of mine, and she recently emailed my chair claiming she needed to "discontinue her role." Still, she was kind of needed for my observations so I could, I don't know, get my credential. And I only have a handful of days before my classes restart at Sonoma State. Lovely.
Another example: My sister, who lives in Philadelphia, got treated like dirt by Medicaid workers. The good news is, she wound up getting medical coverage, but only after the employees decided to put her through the wringer. Great, guys. Love the bureaucratic system you're upholding here.
Oooh, and a third example: Since going on-call at my bookstore, a certain someone has decided, "Who needs a capable team of booksellers? I'll just use my toxic personality and lousy attitude to scare them away and let the store fall to pieces, because I wouldn't know a good store staff if they came up and slapped me in the face individually!"
Not naming names, just in case they wind up reading this blog...but seriously, though, I thought you were better than this. I really, really did.
I feel like I have been on the verge of tears on and off, and maybe it's just the hormones talking, but I'm worried that despite my being successful in my work, doing so much could lead to a resurgence of the stress and anxiety that I've been learning to manage over the past year. In fact, I dissociated for the first time in my life a little over a week ago, right in front of my fiancée. It was as if my entire brain shut down, and all of my senses weren't working properly, like I was separate from the rest of reality and didn't feel connected to anything or anyone. It was terrifying. And considering that I like what I'm doing - I like student teaching, I like teaching at the private school, I like writing and performing and creating music - I'd rather not have the little synapses in my brain start to misfire when I need them to function at full capacity right now.
Yes, planning my wedding adds to the stress. Hell, I'm actually worried about trying to lose weight now because it might mean a couple hundred dollars more spent on my already expensive suit!
It's gonna look great, though. You guys will love it. I'm gonna look spectacular.
I do want to end on a slightly more positive note, however, because this month, despite the urges to knock back a cider or glass of wine in order to calm my nerves, I have not been drinking for over two weeks now. This is because I am participating in the Dryathlon, where you do not touch alcohol for the entire month of January. I started a little later in the month, so February 6th is when the Dryathlon ends. I am doing this in solitary for my sister's boyfriend, who is trying to raise money for Cancer Research UK.
I've lost a lot of family and loved ones from cancer, and my aunt is a breast cancer survivor. Anything you guys can contribute would be much appreciated. Just click these words right here to donate in dollars or pounds. Any cent that you can offer can make a difference.
All right, tomorrow I've got a class to teach, and we're celebrating my dad's birthday a bit early because of my fiancée's and my schedules. Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
Don't get me wrong, there are lots of good things that have been happening for me. I'm enjoying my student teaching and getting a lot of work done. I was able to get my training done for my official teaching job (I've been doing that for nine months, so best to get the orientation out of the way now). I love the fact that I can express my opinion about my work environment and strategies to improve the place I work at without getting reprimanded or dismissed (I know, my higher ups value my opinion. What a concept, huh?). I'm still consistently writing, and a lot is falling into place for my wedding; for example, I got to go to an amazing store for my suit fitting and wound up being treated like royalty there.
That being said, a lot of difficult things have happened and been thrown either my way or a loved one's way. Besides just the toxic political environment (Can Donald Trump just go away already?), the multiple celebrity deaths, and the overall culture of an angry yet misguided country, this year has just...well, like I said in last week's introspection, it hadn't gone well.
For example, my university supervisor this week decided she didn't want to be my university supervisor after all. Not because of anything I did, mind you; she was also supposed to supervise another colleague of mine, and she recently emailed my chair claiming she needed to "discontinue her role." Still, she was kind of needed for my observations so I could, I don't know, get my credential. And I only have a handful of days before my classes restart at Sonoma State. Lovely.
Another example: My sister, who lives in Philadelphia, got treated like dirt by Medicaid workers. The good news is, she wound up getting medical coverage, but only after the employees decided to put her through the wringer. Great, guys. Love the bureaucratic system you're upholding here.
Oooh, and a third example: Since going on-call at my bookstore, a certain someone has decided, "Who needs a capable team of booksellers? I'll just use my toxic personality and lousy attitude to scare them away and let the store fall to pieces, because I wouldn't know a good store staff if they came up and slapped me in the face individually!"
Not naming names, just in case they wind up reading this blog...but seriously, though, I thought you were better than this. I really, really did.
I feel like I have been on the verge of tears on and off, and maybe it's just the hormones talking, but I'm worried that despite my being successful in my work, doing so much could lead to a resurgence of the stress and anxiety that I've been learning to manage over the past year. In fact, I dissociated for the first time in my life a little over a week ago, right in front of my fiancée. It was as if my entire brain shut down, and all of my senses weren't working properly, like I was separate from the rest of reality and didn't feel connected to anything or anyone. It was terrifying. And considering that I like what I'm doing - I like student teaching, I like teaching at the private school, I like writing and performing and creating music - I'd rather not have the little synapses in my brain start to misfire when I need them to function at full capacity right now.
Yes, planning my wedding adds to the stress. Hell, I'm actually worried about trying to lose weight now because it might mean a couple hundred dollars more spent on my already expensive suit!
It's gonna look great, though. You guys will love it. I'm gonna look spectacular.
I do want to end on a slightly more positive note, however, because this month, despite the urges to knock back a cider or glass of wine in order to calm my nerves, I have not been drinking for over two weeks now. This is because I am participating in the Dryathlon, where you do not touch alcohol for the entire month of January. I started a little later in the month, so February 6th is when the Dryathlon ends. I am doing this in solitary for my sister's boyfriend, who is trying to raise money for Cancer Research UK.
I've lost a lot of family and loved ones from cancer, and my aunt is a breast cancer survivor. Anything you guys can contribute would be much appreciated. Just click these words right here to donate in dollars or pounds. Any cent that you can offer can make a difference.
All right, tomorrow I've got a class to teach, and we're celebrating my dad's birthday a bit early because of my fiancée's and my schedules. Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
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