Saturday's Storyteller: "My dream job is to be the person who writes elaborate descriptions on the backs of wine bottles."
by Belinda Roddie
My dream job is to be the person who writes elaborate descriptions on the backs of wine bottles. Have you ever read those things? The poetry. The power. The pizzazz. And something else beginning with the letter "p." Pomp? Anyway.
I have many ideas for wine distributors who want a little zest added to their labels. All they have to do is hire this writer, and their Pinots and Grigios and Emilios will be flying off the shelves in no time. Just look at these sample paragraphs I've written! Truly, masterpieces all.
Full Moon (Pinot Noir)
When the full moon comes out, the vines are biding their time, and the grapes are eagerly awaiting the harvest. Wait with bated breath as our wine is fermented, until it reaches your glass and stimulates your senses.
Our Pinot Noir carries strong notes of vanilla and cherry, with light hints of plum. The tannins create a wonderful massage for your tongue. Perfect for beef, chicken, and sharp cheeses.
Secret Valley (Chardonnay)
We don't like to keep too many secrets, and this one is too good not to share. Make your way down to the valley, and you will see our beautiful vineyards twinkling in the sunrise.
A glass of Secret Valley Chardonnay ought to be sweet, crisp, and refreshing. With a simple buttery aftertaste, it is sure to tickle your nostrils with its aromas of caramel and oak. Rich, appetizing, and perfect with a platter of seafood or snapper.
Heavy Heart (Zinfandel)
For a heavy heart, there must be a heavier Zinfandel. Explore your darker side with a wine that is sure to tempt, please, and lead to sin that alleviates sorrow.
Let your deadly urges succumb to infusions of raspberry, boysenberry, and cherry as black as your ex-girlfriend's soul. Give her the middle finger and elope with this full-bodied, voluptuous bottle of Zin instead. You absolutely will not regret it.
Existentialist (Pinot Grigio)
What is our purpose in life? What are we to do with our passions? Does it all, in the end, add up to nothing?
And just how citrus-y can your wine truly get?
Regret (Riesling)
Sometimes, the remorse comes from the bottom of a bottle. It stems from aromas of pear and beautiful apricot. It reminds us of the ghosts of our past, who all would love a sip of something a bit more floral.
Who knows. Maybe you should have just gone with the cheap Moscato.
Let's Just Be Friends (Barbera)
What do you mean, you want distance? I gave you space. I gave you your own room. I even let you spend more time with the cat! What more do you want from me? How can you consider this relationship platonic?
And what the fuck is Barbera?!
Primal Scream (Cabernet Sauvignon)
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Okay, where's my paycheck?
This week's prompt was a little bit different tonight. I was inspired by reading the elaborate description of a bottle of wine called Old Moon Zinfandel, and I couldn't resist poking fun at it. I'd thank me for the prompt, but the wine itself was a housewarming gift given to my wife and me by my parents.
So...thanks, Mom and Dad!
My dream job is to be the person who writes elaborate descriptions on the backs of wine bottles. Have you ever read those things? The poetry. The power. The pizzazz. And something else beginning with the letter "p." Pomp? Anyway.
I have many ideas for wine distributors who want a little zest added to their labels. All they have to do is hire this writer, and their Pinots and Grigios and Emilios will be flying off the shelves in no time. Just look at these sample paragraphs I've written! Truly, masterpieces all.
Full Moon (Pinot Noir)
When the full moon comes out, the vines are biding their time, and the grapes are eagerly awaiting the harvest. Wait with bated breath as our wine is fermented, until it reaches your glass and stimulates your senses.
Our Pinot Noir carries strong notes of vanilla and cherry, with light hints of plum. The tannins create a wonderful massage for your tongue. Perfect for beef, chicken, and sharp cheeses.
Secret Valley (Chardonnay)
We don't like to keep too many secrets, and this one is too good not to share. Make your way down to the valley, and you will see our beautiful vineyards twinkling in the sunrise.
A glass of Secret Valley Chardonnay ought to be sweet, crisp, and refreshing. With a simple buttery aftertaste, it is sure to tickle your nostrils with its aromas of caramel and oak. Rich, appetizing, and perfect with a platter of seafood or snapper.
Heavy Heart (Zinfandel)
For a heavy heart, there must be a heavier Zinfandel. Explore your darker side with a wine that is sure to tempt, please, and lead to sin that alleviates sorrow.
Let your deadly urges succumb to infusions of raspberry, boysenberry, and cherry as black as your ex-girlfriend's soul. Give her the middle finger and elope with this full-bodied, voluptuous bottle of Zin instead. You absolutely will not regret it.
Existentialist (Pinot Grigio)
What is our purpose in life? What are we to do with our passions? Does it all, in the end, add up to nothing?
And just how citrus-y can your wine truly get?
Regret (Riesling)
Sometimes, the remorse comes from the bottom of a bottle. It stems from aromas of pear and beautiful apricot. It reminds us of the ghosts of our past, who all would love a sip of something a bit more floral.
Who knows. Maybe you should have just gone with the cheap Moscato.
Let's Just Be Friends (Barbera)
What do you mean, you want distance? I gave you space. I gave you your own room. I even let you spend more time with the cat! What more do you want from me? How can you consider this relationship platonic?
And what the fuck is Barbera?!
Primal Scream (Cabernet Sauvignon)
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Okay, where's my paycheck?
This week's prompt was a little bit different tonight. I was inspired by reading the elaborate description of a bottle of wine called Old Moon Zinfandel, and I couldn't resist poking fun at it. I'd thank me for the prompt, but the wine itself was a housewarming gift given to my wife and me by my parents.
So...thanks, Mom and Dad!
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