Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection
I don't know if I'm as happy as I can be right now.
Don't get me wrong - maybe it's just my mood today. Maybe it's the fact that I'm fighting a cold, worrying that I won't be able to go to the final Giants game of the season with my family and friend if I get too sick. Maybe it's just my ongoing adjustment to my new job and surroundings. Maybe I haven't been eating enough lately, or sleeping enough, or exercising enough. Maybe I haven't paced my workload well enough, or I'm just not used to getting new things piled on or changed on me even when I've finally got everything figured out. Maybe I'm just a little annoyed that my paycheck's going to be smaller than expected.
Or maybe I'm just grumpy and whiny and should just shut up and understand just how damn good I have it. I mean, I could be in a situation that's a lot worse. #firstworldproblems!
All of those things could be factors as to why I'm feeling the way I am right now. But, all the same, the statement remains true for the time being: I don't know if I'm as happy as I can be.
Trust me, there are a lot of things going super well for me. Next week is my one year wedding anniversary (eeeeeeeeee!), and I couldn't be happier. I love my wife with all of my heart and can't wait to celebrate with her after watching her kill it onstage in the city! Apart from that, I feel like I have supportive colleagues and friends, and most of my students work hard and are fun to teach. As much as I'm not doing as much writing as I had hoped, I still get to come home, relax, have dinner, and do a few activities like crosswords and reading to decompress. The truth is, a lot of things are settling in my life, and it means more security, more benefits, and better health.
I just don't feel...as one hundred percent as I used to. I don't know how else to describe it. I guess I've been a lot more tired recently. Drained, mentally quitting around five o'clock because I've used up all my extroversion and brain capacity at school. It's difficult to keep up with my passions when my day job takes so much out of me. Sure, it's a day job I enjoy, but I'd like to be able to balance it a wee bit more. I guess I'll have to keep working on it - this is, after all, my first official year teaching at a public school.
I know I've been trying to do this collaborative music/poetry thing with a good buddy of mine, but until he moves up to my area, I just don't have the time or energy to manage it online. I haven't touched my guitar in months. I haven't written a full novel in years. I know that I have to come to terms with the fact that I will most likely never be able to make a living off of writing alone - not unless I return to the nightmarish office environment that I failed so hard in when I was twenty-two years old. I know that teaching is something I'm good at and something I like and something that helps the community - it's just that now, unlike my previous teaching job, it all feels like so much more.
And in many ways, it is a whole lot more. I'm fairly certain that if I weren't teaching Yearbook, over seventy-five percent of my current stress right now would be gone. I still continue questioning whether or not I am the right fit for this position. I like what I do, and I like the school, and I like my Yearbook staff, and I like my job and want to try to stay. But what if, in the end, it's not what I hoped?
And what if, in the end, that doesn't matter, and I just have to suck it up and deal with it so I can continue to pay rent and have health insurance and live a longer, presumably happier life?
I believe that, in many ways, I'm content and fulfilled. I'm contributing in ways that are significant, and I'm still catering to some of my passions at least part of the time. I want to remind myself that life is never one hundred percent great all the time. I will have to work hard, and sometimes even fail, and deal with pain and anger and grief, and I just have to push forward. Because if I do, the results and the happiness I get in the end will be worth it.
Life is not perfect. Adulthood is not easy. Some years will be more difficult than others, and I can never expect to be at peak happiness all the time. What matters is the number of moments you have in which you laugh, inspire, and create. And I think I'm living a lot of those moments in my job and with my loved ones, especially now.
I just need to remind myself that maybe that's enough.
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
Don't get me wrong - maybe it's just my mood today. Maybe it's the fact that I'm fighting a cold, worrying that I won't be able to go to the final Giants game of the season with my family and friend if I get too sick. Maybe it's just my ongoing adjustment to my new job and surroundings. Maybe I haven't been eating enough lately, or sleeping enough, or exercising enough. Maybe I haven't paced my workload well enough, or I'm just not used to getting new things piled on or changed on me even when I've finally got everything figured out. Maybe I'm just a little annoyed that my paycheck's going to be smaller than expected.
Or maybe I'm just grumpy and whiny and should just shut up and understand just how damn good I have it. I mean, I could be in a situation that's a lot worse. #firstworldproblems!
All of those things could be factors as to why I'm feeling the way I am right now. But, all the same, the statement remains true for the time being: I don't know if I'm as happy as I can be.
Trust me, there are a lot of things going super well for me. Next week is my one year wedding anniversary (eeeeeeeeee!), and I couldn't be happier. I love my wife with all of my heart and can't wait to celebrate with her after watching her kill it onstage in the city! Apart from that, I feel like I have supportive colleagues and friends, and most of my students work hard and are fun to teach. As much as I'm not doing as much writing as I had hoped, I still get to come home, relax, have dinner, and do a few activities like crosswords and reading to decompress. The truth is, a lot of things are settling in my life, and it means more security, more benefits, and better health.
I just don't feel...as one hundred percent as I used to. I don't know how else to describe it. I guess I've been a lot more tired recently. Drained, mentally quitting around five o'clock because I've used up all my extroversion and brain capacity at school. It's difficult to keep up with my passions when my day job takes so much out of me. Sure, it's a day job I enjoy, but I'd like to be able to balance it a wee bit more. I guess I'll have to keep working on it - this is, after all, my first official year teaching at a public school.
I know I've been trying to do this collaborative music/poetry thing with a good buddy of mine, but until he moves up to my area, I just don't have the time or energy to manage it online. I haven't touched my guitar in months. I haven't written a full novel in years. I know that I have to come to terms with the fact that I will most likely never be able to make a living off of writing alone - not unless I return to the nightmarish office environment that I failed so hard in when I was twenty-two years old. I know that teaching is something I'm good at and something I like and something that helps the community - it's just that now, unlike my previous teaching job, it all feels like so much more.
And in many ways, it is a whole lot more. I'm fairly certain that if I weren't teaching Yearbook, over seventy-five percent of my current stress right now would be gone. I still continue questioning whether or not I am the right fit for this position. I like what I do, and I like the school, and I like my Yearbook staff, and I like my job and want to try to stay. But what if, in the end, it's not what I hoped?
And what if, in the end, that doesn't matter, and I just have to suck it up and deal with it so I can continue to pay rent and have health insurance and live a longer, presumably happier life?
I believe that, in many ways, I'm content and fulfilled. I'm contributing in ways that are significant, and I'm still catering to some of my passions at least part of the time. I want to remind myself that life is never one hundred percent great all the time. I will have to work hard, and sometimes even fail, and deal with pain and anger and grief, and I just have to push forward. Because if I do, the results and the happiness I get in the end will be worth it.
Life is not perfect. Adulthood is not easy. Some years will be more difficult than others, and I can never expect to be at peak happiness all the time. What matters is the number of moments you have in which you laugh, inspire, and create. And I think I'm living a lot of those moments in my job and with my loved ones, especially now.
I just need to remind myself that maybe that's enough.
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
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