Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection

I miss theater.

I say that a lot, especially immediately after I've seen a show. I miss acting. I miss working tech. I miss seeing my words come to life onstage. I want to get involved in that world again - and in music as well.

I just feel like I can't anymore.

When I first decided to be an English teacher, I figured that my time after school would remain mostly available, save for some paper grading sessions. One of my New Year's resolutions, in fact, was to get involved in theater again after such a long hiatus. The last time I was in a play, I was almost eighteen years old, so it's been over a decade. This thespian's a bit deprived here.

What I didn't take into account, however, was the wrench thrown into my plans: I was hired as the yearbook adviser at the high school I work at.

Yearbook takes an immense amount of time out of my day. Ideally, it wouldn't; my students would organize, design, write, and photograph the whole time, and my main job would be to give input, approve things, and...y'know...advise. But this first year, I did tons of it myself. I had to leave evenings open to take pictures of shows or sports games. It was pretty much impossible for me, consequently, to doing any extracurricular stuff besides my own writing.

I've been trying to tell myself I'm not bitter about this. I've tried really hard. But as it turns out...I am bitter. I don't want to be, but I am.

There's no sense in fighting that fact. I have a severe love-hate relationship with being Yearbook adviser. Yet I am fairly certain it is the main reason why I stayed at the high school I currently teach at.

And if I'm doing this for at least another two years...this just pushes my theatrical and musical ambitions even further ahead. That's completely and utterly painful for me.

Tonight, I saw a friend and her girlfriend perform in Universal Robots, a retelling of Karel Capek's play, R.U.R., or Rossum's Universal Robots. The way the playwright handled the material was incredibly fresh, engaging, and enjoyable, and the acting was absolutely incredible. The minimal set was beautiful, the sound and lighting design impeccable. I was fully immersed in the theater experience. Quantum Dragon Theatre in San Francisco is one of only a few theaters across the country that specializes in fantasy, science fiction, and speculative theater; I love that. It makes the experience unique and creative. I want to be a part of that.

But can I, right now?

Yearbook's not the only thing holding me back, of course. I hate auditions. I'm rusty at the whole acting thing. If I want to do my own original work, it's going to take time and funding and pulling strings, which I don't think I can do on my own. I am almost thirty years old, trying to return to a sphere of the arts that's sometimes difficult to break back into. Do I think it's futile to try? No. But it's not going to be easy. I'm not going to fool myself there.

So...we'll see. We'll see if I can rekindle my passions for both drama and music. We'll see if my original work will ever see the light of day on a stage or on a screen. We'll see if my workload this upcoming year will be lighter and more manageable so I can actually focus on things I want to do.

We'll see.

...We'll see.

Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.