Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection
Wow. This week. Coming back to work. Trying to salvage things. Having it all blow up in my face. Coming to terms with the hard facts.
I'm not going to lie: It has been a nightmare. An absolute nightmare.
The negativity, the bullying, the complete lack of empathy from some people. I have suffered from tremendous anxiety. I have lost on hours of sleep due to my heart rate not slowing down. I have had to close myself off from several students I respect and admire. I have had to see these same students suffer due to other students who should not have the titles they hold or the praise they receive. I have had to meet with mentors, friends, and leaders at my school to try to figure out how I can get through this and how I can make everyone's experiences better. It's all hard. It's all maddening. It all feels insurmountable.
But I need to make some hard decisions. I have to call people. I have to arrange meetings that will torture me before they happen, during the process, and after they're done. I have to bite the bullet and actually grow a spine and brew up the courage that I've never really had. A lot is resurfacing, and I am deeply worried about losing my sense of self-worth and self-care.
I know. It's a lot. I try really hard to be vague in these blogs. I don't like going too much into my psyche because I want to maintain a fragment of privacy, and I don't want to sound like an attention-seeking drama queen. This sometimes has been cathartic for me because I know friends and family read this. I know they've reached out, and I know how much they want to make sure I am okay.
I am not sure how next year will look. But thank God tomorrow is December 1st. Again, as I've said in older introspections, I know the holiday season is not for everyone. But it's almost always been a time of happiness and peace for me. It's a time in which I can channel my generosity more and more, enjoy the colder weather, have intimate moments with my loved ones, and just celebrate how far I've gone. I'm a sucker for the music and the lights. Surprisingly, it all calms me down - because it distracts me from the stress and mess of my work environment.
Remember how I used to complain about last year? I'm actually missing those days. At least I get to spend quality time with my parents and my wife this weekend.
Just continue to send positive vibes and best wishes, if you can. I'm definitely going to need them, especially next week (second deadline, as well as some serious conversations to be had).
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
I'm not going to lie: It has been a nightmare. An absolute nightmare.
The negativity, the bullying, the complete lack of empathy from some people. I have suffered from tremendous anxiety. I have lost on hours of sleep due to my heart rate not slowing down. I have had to close myself off from several students I respect and admire. I have had to see these same students suffer due to other students who should not have the titles they hold or the praise they receive. I have had to meet with mentors, friends, and leaders at my school to try to figure out how I can get through this and how I can make everyone's experiences better. It's all hard. It's all maddening. It all feels insurmountable.
But I need to make some hard decisions. I have to call people. I have to arrange meetings that will torture me before they happen, during the process, and after they're done. I have to bite the bullet and actually grow a spine and brew up the courage that I've never really had. A lot is resurfacing, and I am deeply worried about losing my sense of self-worth and self-care.
I know. It's a lot. I try really hard to be vague in these blogs. I don't like going too much into my psyche because I want to maintain a fragment of privacy, and I don't want to sound like an attention-seeking drama queen. This sometimes has been cathartic for me because I know friends and family read this. I know they've reached out, and I know how much they want to make sure I am okay.
I am not sure how next year will look. But thank God tomorrow is December 1st. Again, as I've said in older introspections, I know the holiday season is not for everyone. But it's almost always been a time of happiness and peace for me. It's a time in which I can channel my generosity more and more, enjoy the colder weather, have intimate moments with my loved ones, and just celebrate how far I've gone. I'm a sucker for the music and the lights. Surprisingly, it all calms me down - because it distracts me from the stress and mess of my work environment.
Remember how I used to complain about last year? I'm actually missing those days. At least I get to spend quality time with my parents and my wife this weekend.
Just continue to send positive vibes and best wishes, if you can. I'm definitely going to need them, especially next week (second deadline, as well as some serious conversations to be had).
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
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