Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection
Well. Here we are. My last introspection of 2018.
Christmas was nice this year. To be fair, it's normally nice for me, save for the times in which I've been ill. But I especially liked how my in-laws came up for the holiday, so that they got to celebrate it with me, my wife, and my family.
I loved the presents I received, the traditions we kept, and the company. The quieter moments were honestly my favorite. Having the relatives over was lovely, and the food was fantastic. But it was the walk we took around my hometown, the Scrabble game with my mother-in-law, the chat with my wife and my mom after everyone had gone back home or to their hotels or just off to bed - those small, intimate moments meant the world to me. It made me feel settled, at ease, for the first time in a long time.
Of course, now I'm nearly done with my first out of two weeks of break, and I've honestly haven't done much. That's not a bad thing, obviously, though I do poke fun at myself for always claiming that I'd write if I had more time, only to wind up watching Youtube videos and playing 2048 when I have a few more hours to spare. Still, I've managed to feel mildly productive, at least tonight. I made dinner, watched Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (I miiiight have gone a little mad with power), and started writing Episode 8 of the second season of my series, Goza. I've also done quite a bit of editing on my already completed projects, including my latest play and three short films I've written over the course of two years. I know I could also be grading rhetorical speeches, but that's work, and I really don't want to deal with that just yet. I'll get to it, I swear.
Speaking of work, my brain has been working overtime to up the anxiety and discomfort regarding my performance in the fall semester of this school year. To say that I have made the best decisions all the time would be wrong - grossly inaccurate, absolutely incorrect. What sucks, though, is that I'm dwelling on those mistakes. I'm dwelling on the fact that I've let my emotions get the better of me a few times, and that I haven't handled student conflicts as well as I could have, and I'm legitimately scared of seeing any of my errors, however minor or interpreted, resurface should I - by some miracle - become established as an author or performer. That's one thing that sucks majorly about our modern culture - the fact that call-out culture is so prevalent makes all those messages about self-growth and self-forgiveness ring so hollow. How can we act like we're so forgiving as a society when in the next moment, we pounce on someone who so much as makes a tasteless joke on social media? I get being more vigilant and catching actually bad people in the act, but no one - not just me - should feel like their lives are going to be ruined by past or even future mistakes.
Now, I certainly have not been an idiot publicly (well, I'm sure I have, but it hasn't gotten to "gross human" level, because being racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic is disgusting), and God knows, I'm fairly careful when it comes to listening to others and choosing my words carefully on social media. Just the idea that I'm so anxious about every little thing I say or do (when I also see legitimate jack-offs get off scot-free for bona fide bad behavior) just drives me up a wall.
I have to remind myself that I am a good person, and I am still human. That I am allowed to screw up in some ways, as long as I am apologetic for it and work to improve myself. That I can sit back and not produce a ton of writing even on my days off. That I am permitted to be myself, provided that being so doesn't intentionally hurt anyone else.
I have to remember that, especially when it comes to the new year. Because my God, it has been a long, long year.
Anyone remember the Winters Olympics? Because that happened this year. That's how long 2018 has felt. But what have I, personally, managed to accomplish in 2018?
1. I finished my first yearbook as an adviser, and for the most part, it was positively received.
2. I've written a copious amount of new projects, including two new short films, a new play, several new episodes of my latest series, and of course, dozens of short stories and poems on this blog.
3. I acted in a film for the first time in over ten years, helping write it and putting it together within 48 hours.
4. While it hasn't been easy, I've been trying to cut back on unhealthy eating and drinking habits, as well as go to the gym more often.
5. I've frequently collaborated with my wife on various videos and art projects, including vlogs and a potential new series perhaps slated for next year(???). You'll have to wait and see!
6. I guess I can also say I completed my first year teaching English at a public school. So yeah. That's something.
7. I did a speech at a wedding for the first time! As my sister's matron of honor, of course.
8. With my wife's help, I started taking steps toward self-publishing my novel, [Insert Self-Discovery Here], which will hopefully be released next year.
All in all, I did accomplish three resolutions I decided on last year, and while my country is still on an endless trajectory toward destruction, in my little world, things didn't go too badly. I have to remember what I have achieved, not just what I've learned.
So as we go into this new year, let's work on making it as good of a year as we can. The storm has been raging for some time - all we can do is continue to brave it.
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone. See you in 2019.
Christmas was nice this year. To be fair, it's normally nice for me, save for the times in which I've been ill. But I especially liked how my in-laws came up for the holiday, so that they got to celebrate it with me, my wife, and my family.
I loved the presents I received, the traditions we kept, and the company. The quieter moments were honestly my favorite. Having the relatives over was lovely, and the food was fantastic. But it was the walk we took around my hometown, the Scrabble game with my mother-in-law, the chat with my wife and my mom after everyone had gone back home or to their hotels or just off to bed - those small, intimate moments meant the world to me. It made me feel settled, at ease, for the first time in a long time.
Of course, now I'm nearly done with my first out of two weeks of break, and I've honestly haven't done much. That's not a bad thing, obviously, though I do poke fun at myself for always claiming that I'd write if I had more time, only to wind up watching Youtube videos and playing 2048 when I have a few more hours to spare. Still, I've managed to feel mildly productive, at least tonight. I made dinner, watched Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (I miiiight have gone a little mad with power), and started writing Episode 8 of the second season of my series, Goza. I've also done quite a bit of editing on my already completed projects, including my latest play and three short films I've written over the course of two years. I know I could also be grading rhetorical speeches, but that's work, and I really don't want to deal with that just yet. I'll get to it, I swear.
Speaking of work, my brain has been working overtime to up the anxiety and discomfort regarding my performance in the fall semester of this school year. To say that I have made the best decisions all the time would be wrong - grossly inaccurate, absolutely incorrect. What sucks, though, is that I'm dwelling on those mistakes. I'm dwelling on the fact that I've let my emotions get the better of me a few times, and that I haven't handled student conflicts as well as I could have, and I'm legitimately scared of seeing any of my errors, however minor or interpreted, resurface should I - by some miracle - become established as an author or performer. That's one thing that sucks majorly about our modern culture - the fact that call-out culture is so prevalent makes all those messages about self-growth and self-forgiveness ring so hollow. How can we act like we're so forgiving as a society when in the next moment, we pounce on someone who so much as makes a tasteless joke on social media? I get being more vigilant and catching actually bad people in the act, but no one - not just me - should feel like their lives are going to be ruined by past or even future mistakes.
Now, I certainly have not been an idiot publicly (well, I'm sure I have, but it hasn't gotten to "gross human" level, because being racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic is disgusting), and God knows, I'm fairly careful when it comes to listening to others and choosing my words carefully on social media. Just the idea that I'm so anxious about every little thing I say or do (when I also see legitimate jack-offs get off scot-free for bona fide bad behavior) just drives me up a wall.
I have to remind myself that I am a good person, and I am still human. That I am allowed to screw up in some ways, as long as I am apologetic for it and work to improve myself. That I can sit back and not produce a ton of writing even on my days off. That I am permitted to be myself, provided that being so doesn't intentionally hurt anyone else.
I have to remember that, especially when it comes to the new year. Because my God, it has been a long, long year.
Anyone remember the Winters Olympics? Because that happened this year. That's how long 2018 has felt. But what have I, personally, managed to accomplish in 2018?
1. I finished my first yearbook as an adviser, and for the most part, it was positively received.
2. I've written a copious amount of new projects, including two new short films, a new play, several new episodes of my latest series, and of course, dozens of short stories and poems on this blog.
3. I acted in a film for the first time in over ten years, helping write it and putting it together within 48 hours.
4. While it hasn't been easy, I've been trying to cut back on unhealthy eating and drinking habits, as well as go to the gym more often.
5. I've frequently collaborated with my wife on various videos and art projects, including vlogs and a potential new series perhaps slated for next year(???). You'll have to wait and see!
6. I guess I can also say I completed my first year teaching English at a public school. So yeah. That's something.
7. I did a speech at a wedding for the first time! As my sister's matron of honor, of course.
8. With my wife's help, I started taking steps toward self-publishing my novel, [Insert Self-Discovery Here], which will hopefully be released next year.
All in all, I did accomplish three resolutions I decided on last year, and while my country is still on an endless trajectory toward destruction, in my little world, things didn't go too badly. I have to remember what I have achieved, not just what I've learned.
So as we go into this new year, let's work on making it as good of a year as we can. The storm has been raging for some time - all we can do is continue to brave it.
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone. See you in 2019.
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