Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection
It's been kind of a crazy week for me. Lots of kids to tutor, new training sessions for GirlSMART, new students to tend to (one of which doesn't know English so I have to teach him entirely in Spanish. This'll be interesting). New projects, new formulas, new strategies. It's a new year, and everything's new. Especially when it comes to planning for my future.
Tonight, at my aunt's house in Davis, I signed up for both the CBEST and the CSET tests for teaching. Which is good. Both tests cost a pretty penny to take, so I better not blow it, but it's good that I signed up. It's only the first step in the direction toward officially teaching. After that, it's looking at credentials and potential graduate schools.
...Yeah, that's the part that's freaking me out a bit.
There are a few fundamental things about my life that I want to hold on to or I want to push toward. But from what I've been told, a credential program (obviously) takes a lot of work, but I've also been told that I might have to compromise on certain living situations or job ideas for the sake of school. That's intimidating and scary as Hell, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Now, will I refuse to take the CBEST or the CSET in case I change my plans? No. They're good to have under my belt, especially if I want to work as a substitute teacher. I just hate questioning what I want to do because I'm too overwhelmed by the possibilities of sacrificing some things to get a teaching job.
I do always wonder if it's worth it. I always wonder if I'm on the right path, or if maybe I should go elsewhere. Honestly, if I had had the opportunity, I would have gone straight into LGBTQIA community work, but most of that is strictly volunteer-oriented and doesn't pay. Clearly, I can't live as a freelance writer alone. But here are a few of the things I don't want to back down on for the sake of any higher form of education:
1. I want to live with my girlfriend by the time she graduates from college. This is a big one. Arden graduates in June of 2013, and I want to live with her. Now, she has some plans of her own that we do need to discuss, but I was told by my aunt tonight that I may even have to stay at home for another year if I wished to take on a teaching credential. I'm cool with my aunt making that suggestion, but I'm not cool with the concept of the suggestion itself. I feel that if I don't get out of my little safety bubble soon, I never will. I do have an urge to be adventurous and I do have an urge to explore my options. But for all of them, I want my girlfriend at my side. An apartment separate from my family would be nice, too.
2. I want to have at least a part-time job. Whether it's in education or otherwise, I want to keep working. I know that a credential program is a lot of work and can be a lot of money. It's basically a job without the...well, job part. But I feel like I'll go crazy if I'm not doing something beyond school. Being out of college for two years does get me interested in furthering my career. I know education's a part of it, but I want to be making money and learning new skills. Especially if I want to live with my girlfriend, as mentioned above.
3. I want to keep writing. This last one, I'm not as concerned about as the others, but I want my teaching to work jointly with my writing. Like a sexy, intelligent partner-in-crime for another sleek, formidable troublemaker. Bottom line is, I don't want to sacrifice the people or things that make me happy in exchange for solidity in the teaching field. I get that if I want to be a teacher, I should have a credential. I know if I want to be a professor, I need to have at least a master's degree. But I want to be able to do it in a way so that I can keep up with my craft and even improve upon it. I want to expand my experiences and I don't think I'll be able to if I just stay at my parents' house in the same town surrounded by the same people with the same motives day in and day out. It'll just drive me crazy.
So yeah. I have a lot to think about. Of course, nothing's set in stone. I won't be enrolling in a teaching credential program this weekend, and I definitely won't be done with AmeriCorps until July. I still have a full-time educator job, and I'm still writing. I still keep in touch with my girlfriend and get to see her on occasion. I also keep in touch with my college friends even though they're far away. I guess my point is that I don't want to feel tied down to any future objective, and I feel like as much as my family and friends and well-wishers don't act like they're making me fully commit to an idea that I may not be one hundred percent certain on...they kind of are.
We live in a society where our long-term goals have to be outlined in excruciating detail far in advance. And sometimes, that's necessary to succeed at certain dreams. If you want to be a doctor and save lives, you have to give away your money and your soul to medical school. If you want to be a librarian and inspire people through books, you have to get the right degrees and the right certificates. And if you want to be a teacher and improve the future of younger generations, you need to spend a buttload of cash on tests, another truckload of dough on a credential, and a possible jetload of greens on graduate school. And to reach those goals, you have to set things in motion and prepare, not just lag and expect things to fall into your lap.
But the thing I'm most worried about is that I will chisel in my future into a rock and by the time I may doubt my choices or wish to backpedal from them entirely, it'll be too late and the marks on the stone will never wear away. I want to be happy. I want to write. I want to be with my girlfriend. I want to be able to have some adventures before I become middle-aged. I want to explore before I get married and have a family. Bottom line, I'm scared that I will be caught in a tiny marble of a world, when all I want to do is expand my knowledge more by traveling, studying, learning, and loving.
I know I have to make sacrifices. I know I may not be able to move out yet, or travel, or go to where I want to go or do what I want to do. But it's hard to let go of ideal situations when the first step is to progress toward it.
So yeah. I need to sleep and let my thoughts drift away for at least eight hours. I understand that. I'm probably panicking way too much and overanalyzing this whole situation. But it's good to get it off my chest and onto a computer screen, and I feel lighter and freer being able not only honest to a very small readership, but also to myself.
Thanks, my tiny legion of supporters. You're the best.
Writer's Quotation of the Night:
You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.”
- Saul Bellow
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
Tonight, at my aunt's house in Davis, I signed up for both the CBEST and the CSET tests for teaching. Which is good. Both tests cost a pretty penny to take, so I better not blow it, but it's good that I signed up. It's only the first step in the direction toward officially teaching. After that, it's looking at credentials and potential graduate schools.
...Yeah, that's the part that's freaking me out a bit.
There are a few fundamental things about my life that I want to hold on to or I want to push toward. But from what I've been told, a credential program (obviously) takes a lot of work, but I've also been told that I might have to compromise on certain living situations or job ideas for the sake of school. That's intimidating and scary as Hell, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Now, will I refuse to take the CBEST or the CSET in case I change my plans? No. They're good to have under my belt, especially if I want to work as a substitute teacher. I just hate questioning what I want to do because I'm too overwhelmed by the possibilities of sacrificing some things to get a teaching job.
I do always wonder if it's worth it. I always wonder if I'm on the right path, or if maybe I should go elsewhere. Honestly, if I had had the opportunity, I would have gone straight into LGBTQIA community work, but most of that is strictly volunteer-oriented and doesn't pay. Clearly, I can't live as a freelance writer alone. But here are a few of the things I don't want to back down on for the sake of any higher form of education:
1. I want to live with my girlfriend by the time she graduates from college. This is a big one. Arden graduates in June of 2013, and I want to live with her. Now, she has some plans of her own that we do need to discuss, but I was told by my aunt tonight that I may even have to stay at home for another year if I wished to take on a teaching credential. I'm cool with my aunt making that suggestion, but I'm not cool with the concept of the suggestion itself. I feel that if I don't get out of my little safety bubble soon, I never will. I do have an urge to be adventurous and I do have an urge to explore my options. But for all of them, I want my girlfriend at my side. An apartment separate from my family would be nice, too.
2. I want to have at least a part-time job. Whether it's in education or otherwise, I want to keep working. I know that a credential program is a lot of work and can be a lot of money. It's basically a job without the...well, job part. But I feel like I'll go crazy if I'm not doing something beyond school. Being out of college for two years does get me interested in furthering my career. I know education's a part of it, but I want to be making money and learning new skills. Especially if I want to live with my girlfriend, as mentioned above.
3. I want to keep writing. This last one, I'm not as concerned about as the others, but I want my teaching to work jointly with my writing. Like a sexy, intelligent partner-in-crime for another sleek, formidable troublemaker. Bottom line is, I don't want to sacrifice the people or things that make me happy in exchange for solidity in the teaching field. I get that if I want to be a teacher, I should have a credential. I know if I want to be a professor, I need to have at least a master's degree. But I want to be able to do it in a way so that I can keep up with my craft and even improve upon it. I want to expand my experiences and I don't think I'll be able to if I just stay at my parents' house in the same town surrounded by the same people with the same motives day in and day out. It'll just drive me crazy.
So yeah. I have a lot to think about. Of course, nothing's set in stone. I won't be enrolling in a teaching credential program this weekend, and I definitely won't be done with AmeriCorps until July. I still have a full-time educator job, and I'm still writing. I still keep in touch with my girlfriend and get to see her on occasion. I also keep in touch with my college friends even though they're far away. I guess my point is that I don't want to feel tied down to any future objective, and I feel like as much as my family and friends and well-wishers don't act like they're making me fully commit to an idea that I may not be one hundred percent certain on...they kind of are.
We live in a society where our long-term goals have to be outlined in excruciating detail far in advance. And sometimes, that's necessary to succeed at certain dreams. If you want to be a doctor and save lives, you have to give away your money and your soul to medical school. If you want to be a librarian and inspire people through books, you have to get the right degrees and the right certificates. And if you want to be a teacher and improve the future of younger generations, you need to spend a buttload of cash on tests, another truckload of dough on a credential, and a possible jetload of greens on graduate school. And to reach those goals, you have to set things in motion and prepare, not just lag and expect things to fall into your lap.
But the thing I'm most worried about is that I will chisel in my future into a rock and by the time I may doubt my choices or wish to backpedal from them entirely, it'll be too late and the marks on the stone will never wear away. I want to be happy. I want to write. I want to be with my girlfriend. I want to be able to have some adventures before I become middle-aged. I want to explore before I get married and have a family. Bottom line, I'm scared that I will be caught in a tiny marble of a world, when all I want to do is expand my knowledge more by traveling, studying, learning, and loving.
I know I have to make sacrifices. I know I may not be able to move out yet, or travel, or go to where I want to go or do what I want to do. But it's hard to let go of ideal situations when the first step is to progress toward it.
So yeah. I need to sleep and let my thoughts drift away for at least eight hours. I understand that. I'm probably panicking way too much and overanalyzing this whole situation. But it's good to get it off my chest and onto a computer screen, and I feel lighter and freer being able not only honest to a very small readership, but also to myself.
Thanks, my tiny legion of supporters. You're the best.
Writer's Quotation of the Night:
You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.”
- Saul Bellow
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.
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