Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection
Christ. Talk about a week. I'm sure everyone and her grandma knows how shitty the U.S. government situation is. It's enough to make you want to throw a brick through the Capitol Building windows. And of course, it's driven my anxiety levels up quite a bit, realizing that my Congress isn't even capable of doing the most mundane tasks in office because they're so bitterly divided and polarized.
But this is politics, and as much as I'm involved in politics...I hate politics. So moving on.
My anxiety has been worse the past few days, not helped by my country's dilemma. And of course, it's lowered my mood substantially and made me feel sort of hopeless. I finished up my temporary job, and I was really sad to leave that office because the people working there were extraordinary despite the repetitive and demanding nature of the work. Now I have been offered a job at a large retail store...basically doing what I did for three months back in 2008.
I don't want to go back into retail (no offense to the people who work retail). I want to be a teacher. And it's just not working out.
I get it. I'm young. I've got time. But the thing is, the past year I thought I was finally on the right track. I did six months of after-school teaching. I did an entire year of AmeriCorps, working in literacy with some great students. I got an education job that was ultimately snatched away from me by petty human resources drones. And that's how I ended up here. All that growth I was trying to have through work in education just stopped. And it's driving me crazy to think that I can't work with the youth and make a difference in the lives of students and teachers.
That's not tooting my own horn. That's just a strong desire I have.
Obviously, working retail for some time while searching for work will not kill me. I still have a guitar I can play, a voice I can sing with, and hands I can write and type fiction, poetry, songs, plays, and scripts with. I have this blog. I am carrying out most of my passions. But having to go back to retail means an enormous part of my life has been ripped out of the picture, leaving this enormous, gaping hole where education and teaching used to be. Even if I work my way toward getting a teaching credential, it still means I am going for at least a year, potentially, without having the chance to work with kids.
It's agonizing. It's not the way I want my life to go. And unfortunately, despite the good things I have in life, I'm stuck on the things that I've lost or I've seen taken away from me. I mean, for Christ's sake, I have a girlfriend staying with me right now, without having to deal with the same long-distance stuff that we put up with for more than two years. I have my family and friends, whether close to me or still in the Los Angeles area or Orange County. I have an actual job, even if it's not an ideal one. That's more than a lot of people struggling right now can vouch for. But right now, the frustration is trumping the push for perspective. Negative feelings are trumping the positive. And I really can feel the knot in my stomach growing when I visit schools and see people doing the work that I want to do and making the differences that I want to contribute to.
I have to keep slogging. I just wish it weren't so damn hard.
Writer's Quotation of the Night:
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
But this is politics, and as much as I'm involved in politics...I hate politics. So moving on.
My anxiety has been worse the past few days, not helped by my country's dilemma. And of course, it's lowered my mood substantially and made me feel sort of hopeless. I finished up my temporary job, and I was really sad to leave that office because the people working there were extraordinary despite the repetitive and demanding nature of the work. Now I have been offered a job at a large retail store...basically doing what I did for three months back in 2008.
I don't want to go back into retail (no offense to the people who work retail). I want to be a teacher. And it's just not working out.
I get it. I'm young. I've got time. But the thing is, the past year I thought I was finally on the right track. I did six months of after-school teaching. I did an entire year of AmeriCorps, working in literacy with some great students. I got an education job that was ultimately snatched away from me by petty human resources drones. And that's how I ended up here. All that growth I was trying to have through work in education just stopped. And it's driving me crazy to think that I can't work with the youth and make a difference in the lives of students and teachers.
That's not tooting my own horn. That's just a strong desire I have.
Obviously, working retail for some time while searching for work will not kill me. I still have a guitar I can play, a voice I can sing with, and hands I can write and type fiction, poetry, songs, plays, and scripts with. I have this blog. I am carrying out most of my passions. But having to go back to retail means an enormous part of my life has been ripped out of the picture, leaving this enormous, gaping hole where education and teaching used to be. Even if I work my way toward getting a teaching credential, it still means I am going for at least a year, potentially, without having the chance to work with kids.
It's agonizing. It's not the way I want my life to go. And unfortunately, despite the good things I have in life, I'm stuck on the things that I've lost or I've seen taken away from me. I mean, for Christ's sake, I have a girlfriend staying with me right now, without having to deal with the same long-distance stuff that we put up with for more than two years. I have my family and friends, whether close to me or still in the Los Angeles area or Orange County. I have an actual job, even if it's not an ideal one. That's more than a lot of people struggling right now can vouch for. But right now, the frustration is trumping the push for perspective. Negative feelings are trumping the positive. And I really can feel the knot in my stomach growing when I visit schools and see people doing the work that I want to do and making the differences that I want to contribute to.
I have to keep slogging. I just wish it weren't so damn hard.
Writer's Quotation of the Night:
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
- Jack London
Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone. And, as always...please wish me luck.
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