Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection
You're going to have to forgive me for being vague in this introspection, y'all - most of you will understand what I'm talking about without hearing the specific word for it. The context is there. The subtext is there. The in-text citations are there...wait, no. No, that's my English teacher side bursting out of its cage. My bad.
Just to make things clear, about eighty percent of my work is going great. Despite having to remind my students to, you know, be polite and stop chatting every ten seconds, I'm starting to realize how respected I might be as a teacher. Maybe not popular - I refuse to believe anyone at my high school who says I'm a popular or revered teacher - but respected nonetheless.
Writing's going well, too. Despite being way done with the poetry unit, I'm still occasionally writing spoken word. I'm certainly not writing it as much, but it's becoming a staple. I like being able to create more variety in my writing and my style. And hey, OneWord actually got updated three days in a row this week! Yay!
Now for the twenty percent that's...well, I personally think the work itself is mostly okay. Yes, we've had some setbacks with rain and canceled spring sports games and some teachers and coaches getting flustered by photo demands. And some of the stuff I wanted done way earlier only got done this week. But having fewer than fifty pages left to finish is incredible. It is awe-inspiring. I did not believe in a million years that I would ever be able to direct a project like this and see it all come together as smoothly as it did. I just wish everyone else around me felt the same way. But they don't.
I am currently surrounded by a lot of negative energy in that room while working on this project. And it could not come at a less opportune time.
Look - I'm aware of why the negative energy is there. It's there because of the very thing we are so close to completing - a project that now serves as a jaded symbol of skewed memories and perspective. It also doesn't help that less than half the class has actually pulled their weight. Today was a particularly nasty day in that regard: I heard a lot of quips about how there was nothing good to document about this year, that this year sucked, and the year before that was so much better. But you know what? I wasn't there last year. I can't help how this year has gone. And with so much and yet so little left to do, I cannot handle external anger and regret and bitterness at this time.
I'm not asking anyone to be overly cheery or optimistic. I'm not asking for people to shoot sun beams out of their asses. But I am asking for people to push through. To keep working. To do so with confidence and a level head. Because that is what I have to do every day.
I do not have the luxury of quitting. I do not get the privilege of throwing a tantrum in the classroom or in an online message because I don't feel like things are going my way or not enough people are contributing. I have had to accept the reality that about thirty to fifty percent of this project has been done by me alone. My photos, my design, my writing. You will see my name everywhere in this thing. I didn't want it to be. But it is what it is.
I hope for more determination and rationalism next year. I hope for less drama and more focus. I hope for a well-rounded team who can deal with the lows that always come with a stressful project that has so many tight deadlines and so many expectations. Yes, I expect people to get worn out. I expect them to get angry, to sometimes lose their heads, to need to step back and take a break. It's been tough. The weather has screwed with us. Our cameras have screwed with us. Our insane amount of work has screwed with us.
It's really fascinating, and not necessarily in a good way, how much this project has resulted in people's lives getting worse rather than better. I don't wish that on anyone. So why is it that I seem to be the only one who's proud of what we've created?
Why do I seem to be the only one getting out of this stronger rather than weaker? Less jaded and wiser for the experience? More fulfilled in how much I've been able to learn and accomplish?
This year has proven to me just how capable I am of doing something I didn't have a single minute of experience in - let alone year of experience.
So why doesn't my staff feel the same way? Why haven't some of them stepped up? How can I properly reward the people who have?
I know I'm new and I've had to overcome a huge learning curve. But what am I doing wrong? What can I do to make things better?
Or even worse: Do I even have the power or energy to make this better?
At least it's the weekend.
Just to make things clear, about eighty percent of my work is going great. Despite having to remind my students to, you know, be polite and stop chatting every ten seconds, I'm starting to realize how respected I might be as a teacher. Maybe not popular - I refuse to believe anyone at my high school who says I'm a popular or revered teacher - but respected nonetheless.
Writing's going well, too. Despite being way done with the poetry unit, I'm still occasionally writing spoken word. I'm certainly not writing it as much, but it's becoming a staple. I like being able to create more variety in my writing and my style. And hey, OneWord actually got updated three days in a row this week! Yay!
Now for the twenty percent that's...well, I personally think the work itself is mostly okay. Yes, we've had some setbacks with rain and canceled spring sports games and some teachers and coaches getting flustered by photo demands. And some of the stuff I wanted done way earlier only got done this week. But having fewer than fifty pages left to finish is incredible. It is awe-inspiring. I did not believe in a million years that I would ever be able to direct a project like this and see it all come together as smoothly as it did. I just wish everyone else around me felt the same way. But they don't.
I am currently surrounded by a lot of negative energy in that room while working on this project. And it could not come at a less opportune time.
Look - I'm aware of why the negative energy is there. It's there because of the very thing we are so close to completing - a project that now serves as a jaded symbol of skewed memories and perspective. It also doesn't help that less than half the class has actually pulled their weight. Today was a particularly nasty day in that regard: I heard a lot of quips about how there was nothing good to document about this year, that this year sucked, and the year before that was so much better. But you know what? I wasn't there last year. I can't help how this year has gone. And with so much and yet so little left to do, I cannot handle external anger and regret and bitterness at this time.
I'm not asking anyone to be overly cheery or optimistic. I'm not asking for people to shoot sun beams out of their asses. But I am asking for people to push through. To keep working. To do so with confidence and a level head. Because that is what I have to do every day.
I do not have the luxury of quitting. I do not get the privilege of throwing a tantrum in the classroom or in an online message because I don't feel like things are going my way or not enough people are contributing. I have had to accept the reality that about thirty to fifty percent of this project has been done by me alone. My photos, my design, my writing. You will see my name everywhere in this thing. I didn't want it to be. But it is what it is.
I hope for more determination and rationalism next year. I hope for less drama and more focus. I hope for a well-rounded team who can deal with the lows that always come with a stressful project that has so many tight deadlines and so many expectations. Yes, I expect people to get worn out. I expect them to get angry, to sometimes lose their heads, to need to step back and take a break. It's been tough. The weather has screwed with us. Our cameras have screwed with us. Our insane amount of work has screwed with us.
It's really fascinating, and not necessarily in a good way, how much this project has resulted in people's lives getting worse rather than better. I don't wish that on anyone. So why is it that I seem to be the only one who's proud of what we've created?
Why do I seem to be the only one getting out of this stronger rather than weaker? Less jaded and wiser for the experience? More fulfilled in how much I've been able to learn and accomplish?
This year has proven to me just how capable I am of doing something I didn't have a single minute of experience in - let alone year of experience.
So why doesn't my staff feel the same way? Why haven't some of them stepped up? How can I properly reward the people who have?
I know I'm new and I've had to overcome a huge learning curve. But what am I doing wrong? What can I do to make things better?
Or even worse: Do I even have the power or energy to make this better?
At least it's the weekend.
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