My Cardboard Balcony

Fraudulent Charges by Belinda Roddie Devil tried to get my credit card canceled, sweeping through Tennessee, buying up all the guns and ammo that he could see, swiping bottles of whiskey with each swipe of plastic. But there was something in it for me, and when I came home, the guy was slouched on my couch, drinking straight from the bottle and watching TV. "Reruns," he told me, hiccuping once, before offering a Colt for me to holster. "Want to go shoot some birds?"

You told me you'd take me to the moon and back, but I didn't want to endure the cold endlessness of space. So we settled on ice cream sandwiches on Saturdays, walks in the park on Sundays, and cuddles under the covers on cold Monday nights. When you said you'd take me around the world, that seemed more digestible, yet the roars of airplanes silenced my spirit's need to travel, and so we built ourselves a nest in our small town, tucked ourselves into it, and barely stirred again.

The waffle iron was twenty-five dollars and sixteen cents, and I had exact change. However, as I extended my hand with the money, I saw a look of disgust spread across the cashier's face like rotten butter. Before my confusion could fully set in, she was beckoning a coworker of hers over to the register. "You take her money," she told him. "I don't touch money that's been touched by gays." I was shocked. "You're kidding me, right?"

by Belinda Roddie "Exit stage right, furiously making out with a bear." "What?" "Seriously, one of the best stage directions ever written by man." "Wait...are you talking about Shakespeare?" "Yup!  Winter's Tale." "...I'm pretty sure the direction is "Exit, pursued by a bear." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "Eh." "What?" "Pursued by a bear, making out with a bear - what's the difference, really?" "Apparently there's no difference in your book." "Just because you haven't furiously made out with a bear in your life - " "And I don't plan to." "Not the animal!" "Still don't plan to." "What, do I not count?" "Shut up." "Awww, is someone shy?" "Shut up. It never happened. I was drunk." "Oh, Aaron...that's m...

"Kit, I need you to get me a new measuring cup! And a tablespoon. These guys are all stained and cracked." "Done and done!" I replied, shouldering my coat and grabbing my car keys. My mom let out an exhale from the kitchen as I left the room - a non-verbal "Thank you," in her book. My old van waited for me to wake it up from its groggy winter nap, and I started down the road toward the closest store.

Right now, I am sitting in the living room of my friends Chris and José's condo. It's almost eleven o'clock, on the very first day of 2016. I have been in Southern California for five days and five nights. I have met up with old buddies, revisited some of my favorite eateries, brought out the guitar and mandolin for jamming times, resisted the urge to buy a dulcimer, and cheered in the new year with peach sorbet and champagne. 2015 was, overall, a very good year for me. It was also a busy, crazy, stress-inducing year. I jumped into my student teaching assignment feet first, working with two mentor teachers and over fifty students. I designed unit plans, learning segments, and scaffolding strategies in class. I continued to work at my private school job, teaching classes I never thought I would teach, like economics. I even worked a couple of shifts a week at my bookstore job before I finally requested to be designated as an on-call employee. Through it all, I continued to...

Rules of the Cyborg Apocalypse by Belinda Roddie Bros before robos, dude! Haven't you read anything by Asimov?